Update

I think my mind is clearer today than yesterday, yet muddier than ever. I talked to Jackie...kind of in a roundabout way I can't even take credit for, but I think most of the things that needed saying were said, in addition to the things that came across all wrong...and things will be alright. I still have no idea what I'm doing, but who really does? I really do like Jackie, and I respect how she lives her life even if it's not the way I live mine, so I feel awful that she's felt guilty in any way for the things she has no reason to be ashamed of. It's okay we're different people. I just need a change, and moving would be the easiest. That is, if it were easy to find housing.

I took down the ad I put on KSL and Jackie put up a new one. I don't know if it's possible to find someone who will work for both of us, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to see while I'm figuring things out. After I explained the me being a crappy mormon thing and wanting a new ward and roommates with LDS standards so it's not just one more thing making life harder than it should be...well, she said she wouldn't have alcohol in the house and wouldn't invite crazy people over. I feel bad, because that is so totally nice of her to make an effort like that because she wants to keep me as a roommate, but why should I have all the say in things? If I were her I would say so long and farewell. But we both like our house and feel comfortable there. That's kind of a red flag for me a bit. Anytime you're too comfortable with a situation it makes it harder to grow, and boy do I need growing. I let her know I'm not sure what I need to be doing right now, but that I need to be doing something different and that moving is the only thing I can think of that would fulfill that requirement.

At the time I was at the Institute building looking at the housing posting board; I think I'll be looking into calling those people tomorrow, as well as letting people look at our house. Who knows what I'm doing. I think I'll have to have a good long pray tonight, and maybe things will be clearer tomorrow--if I get lucky. I just hate not knowing things. I hate not knowing if there are people out there who I could live with who'd bring out the more social person in me that I used to be. I know that person is not one that most of you have met or remember--unless I'm related to you--but I swear it was there more than just occasionally from the age of about 19 to 22 or so. I think I need to peel away the layer of bitter left over from school and who knows what else to get to the core of my buried motivation.

And so now I'm very tired. And though I think I've come to terms with it in my tired state, this week off has really sucked. Tomorrow's Saturday and no camping or fun activities are occurring. The next week, however, I will miss my family reunion. I might call in sick. Only I'd inform my boss I wasn't really sick. We shall see.