Bombshell

This week has officially been what I would call "taxing." I've been struggling within myself for the entirety of the week on whether I should move out at the end of the month when Meg leaves. Or whether I should just stay and find new roommates. I had a nice little list of the drawbacks and benefits drawn up, and just when I thought I'd made the right choice, an immovable bolder gets thrown in my way.

I have to admit that the main reason that kept me indecisive on the whole moving matter, that is until forced to make a decision (Meg approached me and told me she was moving out at the end of August and needed to tell our landlord Stratford whether I'd be moving out in the next couple of days so he'd have sufficient notice to rent out the house before the semester started, or that I'd be staying and finding roommates of my own) was that I didn't know if Jackie would be moving out or not. I like Jackie a lot, but I've decided I just can't stand to live with her. Apart from being loud and making it all but impossible to sleep or study when she's in the house, I just really need to be living with LDS standards wherever I am right now, especially with how weak I am spiritually. I'd like roommates I'd have the option of going to church with, or who would at least bring the Spirit I am currently incapable of bringing myself. And of course I wanted less noise for my last year of school with as much studying as I'll have to do, and Jackie is anything but quiet. The F word shouted dramatically in a variety of contexts in a house where you can hear everything in every room just isn't doing it for me now. And I'm ashamed to admit it, because it's really not her fault, but her laugh drives me crazy. It's high pitched, comes often, and it alone is often the reason it's so hard for me when I'm trying to sleep at night or study.

So Meg approached me at the beginning of the week and said she and Jackie would both be moving out, only if I was leaving Jackie might stay and have her sister and her kids move in there, but they needed two rooms. With me there this would be impossible (Yippee!) At this point I was still flirting with the idea of moving out, because on my list of reasons:

1) I really want a new ward. I feel badly about it, and I know it's my own fault I wasn't social to begin with (working every other Sunday and having poor social skills as I do were not conducive to this end), and now it's no wonder people don't approach the girl whose been in the ward for 2 years who doesn't talk to people. But I really just want a new start.

I debated like crazy on what I should do, and after looking into places for rent I came to the conclusion that finding a place

A) as close to school
B) as cheap as mine
C) with as much of a room as I have

would be impossible. Actually, it's impossible to find any one of those things while also finding LDS roommates. And I love my house. Other than how uncomfortable I feel with roommates I'm not really friends with, I love everything about it. Plus there's definitely something to be able to choose and reject potential candidates where you will, as opposed to being the one chosen or rejected. And I figured that if I really disliked my ward and it came to a choice between my inactivity or someone having mercy enough on me to let me into a ward outside of my boundaries, I'd at least have a shot at the new ward thing. Or the possibility of going to my old ward with roommates. Plus I'm lazy. I have no desire whatsoever to move my many many small and large things alike into another place I know will not be big enough to hold them. The idea of staying became more and more appealing. So I posted an ad on KSL.com. I was surprised how many responses I got. Kind of exciting actually. The balloon in my chest inflated.

So I randomly get this text message from Jackie this afternoon (technically yesterday now) saying that she's decided to stay too. I was floored. Apart from not understanding why she'd want to stay (she isn't a student, she works in Sandy, and we've never held more than a 5 minute conversation together--after all she was Meg's friend, not mine), I just can't do it. Both her and Meg somehow think it will be easier for me (I feel like they think her staying is a favor to me) to find one roommate as opposed to 2, but I've never been so stressed out in my life. I guarantee finding one roommate that both Jackie and I can agree on will be 10 times harder than 2 people only I have to agree on. In fact, if I can find anyone willing to live with Jackie, that tells me right there that I won't be able to live with them. I feel bad, but I'm just really tired of having booze and swearing in my house. I don't want drunk people at my house on New Years, or Superbowl Sunday this year. And now everyone who's coming to look at the house is expecting LDS standards, and I can no longer give that to them. I can't tell Jackie how to live her life any more than I can tell her to move out. After all it's just as much her place as mine. How do you go about telling someone these things? I'll have to have reasons for my actions whether I stay or go, and it will be highly awkward for sure.

It's now 630 in the morning. I haven't been up at this time in ages...at least not when I haven't been tired. I've been so anxious trying to figure out what to do that I can't sleep. I made an appointment for a girl to come look at the house before Jackie dropped the bombshell on me, and I'm totally stressed about what will happen when she's here and exposed to Jackie while touring the house. I have all these people coming to look at the house--thanks to the resounding success of my well written ad--and none of them will be acceptable now. And I find myself wanting to look at other places for me, and thinking about doing both that and showing this house until I find the courage to tell Jackie what I'm thinking...there's just not enough time in the day.

I really wish I could afford my own house right about now.