I've been wondering a lot lately about whether or not I'm some sort of weird bipolar. A kind without the mania, but that has many other mood alterations that occur within days to minutes. Mainly I just think I'm stressed and tired. No matter how much I like my surroundings, or aspects and people within my life, they all seem to evaporate at certain moments along with reasonable thought, only to be replaced with the sure conviction that I will never be finished with school. It's kind of become the bane on my existence. Because for as long as it lasts, I really can't devote any time to all of the aspects of my life that need working on. My typical day consists of school then either work or homework, followed by a very small amount of sleep. I don't think I'm the kind of person who can stand to do the same things day in and day out. I need some variation. Right now I'm home from school and doing homework because I have to be competent on doing cell differentials by tomorrow when I have a practical test on them. I did them for the first time in about 6 months today. All I have done today is school related stuff. I might burst any moment because there just isn't time for anything else. I think the true cause of the "bipolar" moments/days is that whenever I have a really good day/moment, I inevitably compare it to the current stressed out version of my life, to past happinesses, and then I have a hard time adjusting back to crappy.

Kind of a side note: went to Devotchka's concert last night with Heidi. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. Better than I thought. I officially love them right now more than I feel I can really express. It's been a while since I've been to a good concert, but I could never have guessed it would be that good just from listening to the cd of theirs I have. One of the most enjoyable I've ever been to. I guess I could go on to say why, but I don't really feel like it at the moment, and let's face it, I'd best get back to my homework. Also another side note: I actually kind of enjoy my rotations right now. I mean, I'm stressed because it's school, and 6 straight hours of looking at cells in microscopes would get to anyone, but other than that it's been a really positive experience. Maybe I need to focus and write about the positive things happening to keep all of the rest at bay. I think that will have to wait till another day though, because as I stated, I have to be competent at cell diffs by tomorrow. If I can get through tomorrow, life will be sweet for another 3, maybe 4 days. I get to watch movies with friends tomorrow night, hang out with my sisters Saturday, hang out with other friends Sunday or Monday, and I have the weekend to finish my packet full of questions/information that will help me study for my 3 exams next week. Here's to hoping my Mac will read the cd of Hematology they gave me today.

So I added a new song to my playlist which I remembered that I love. I do that sometimes...find myself listening to a song I decide I love, but then forget about, so then I don't get my hands on it and I forget that it exists entirely. But I remembered the other day when I was listening to another song that I decided I love, at work due to a Russian co-worker of mine being stuck in the 90's (what can I say, it brought me back to my middle school years--Run DMC's "It's Like That"). He says they're at least 10 years behind there. And actually, I didn't even remember this song then, just that there were a couple of songs I needed to remember. It took me a while to remember what song exactly. What I really remembered right away was that I heard it on my way to go vote...so yeah, it was quite a while ago. Anyway, it's Mason Jenning's "I love you and Buddha too." It reminded me of an Institute class I took a while back, and how my professor got so excited about all the different religions we learned about, because you definitely can find a lot of truth and excellent teachings in all of them. I guess I'm not really sure what I believe in lately, religious-wise, but I like to think there's a God out there, and if so the best thing we can do to reverence him is to be as accepting of people as He is of us.

Thinkings

Something a friend said to me last night is really bothering me. Like no matter how hard I try not to, I can't help but stew over it, and over-analyze its implications. I hate that I'm like that now. I mean, I've always carefully thought through most everything in my life, but about 5 years ago I briefly became a somewhat extroverted person, for about 3 years to varying degrees. Not to the point where I was entirely devoid of caution in my carefully constructed actions, but I spent a little less time thinking and more time acting on whims that made me happy and taking things at face value. I was less judgmental because I assumed there was goodness in everything and everyone, even if buried deeper in some, and the world held a lot of happiness for me. More than that I was content and going exactly where I wanted to end up. I've gotta say, I'd give anything to be back at that point right now. I think it's possible to get back there, but not without a lot of pain and effort, and I don't know if I have the strength or desire at the moment. All I can do is hope that once I graduate I'll have enough of the stress and anxiety off of my plate to try.