I think I'm writing more because there should be a dark blue post somewhere in here than for my actually having a reason to. But prepare for a rant.

I really don't have a reason though.

Just yesterday I was thinking to myself, "wow, I don't think I hate my job after all." It was a nice feeling, and came because this week was not nearly as bad as the last I worked. I felt things were finally starting to slip into place. Then Micro Manager came in unexpectedly and wanted to know if I had time to do my yearly appraisal that day. I figured then was as good as any other time, though not necessarily opportune because I really needed to be out by 3:30 to go have birthday tea with my sister. It was noon, and thankfully there was no PBS movie that week, which was actually quite sad, but I would have been even sadder to have missed it. Basically my appraisal lasted 2 and a half hours. I came out of there feeling like I'd been wrung through a wringer. It's amazing how someone can take an approach so complimentary, and yet ultimately you end up feeling like crap. When Micro Manager first took over it was at a very stressful time for me, when I was fed up with the Allergen bench after working there for 2 years--and after I'd dealt with more difficult problems than I could possibly ever hold in my head. On top of that, it was when Traves was still new, and I was frustrated at having to do my job as well as a lot of his. Then there was the added difficulty of school. I opted to take on a "Don't Care" approach to keep my sanity, otherwise I got too stressed out. I formed some less than exemplary habits, but I can honestly say I was still working harder than quite a lot of other people there. I got my tasks done, but I had no desire to fill every spare minute I had seeking out "extra-credit" projects.

Flash forward to now. I've been trying harder lately than any other person possibly could to become the best I can be at my job. With all the changes I've really had no choice. But I've actually enjoyed it, because I would much rather be busy and challenged than either having nothing or busy work to do. Also I'd realized that I needed to make these changes in my life, because I have become very passive in many facets of my life, and I really should take a more active role in accomplishing the things I set out to do. So I'd talked to Micro Manager, and I let him know I was ashamed of not being a more pro-active worker in the past, and let him know I would be trying harder from then on. I told him all of the things I would be working on bettering myself at, and I don't' feel that I've reverted back in any way to past bad habits. Also, I felt there was an understanding between us, and that he'd try to help me find time to leave work when I needed to study--he did specifically say that. I don't feel he's keeping his end of the bargain. Right now I feel I'm constantly being scrutinized and questioned when I raise valid concerns, I'm only listened to when what I say fits into his already existing views of things (no matter how much I talk to him), and ultimately he's trying to fix multiple things all at once by implementing mass plans simultaneously that are too confusing to possibly follow at the same time. I can't change my entire routine and still function efficiently. He knows I'm stressed out, and yet he keeps giving us things to change that he knows will make my life more stressful now, though he's looking at making it better for the future. I won't be there in the future at this point if things keep on like I know they're going to. Anyway, things have started falling through cracks on occasion, partially because there's just too much to do and too many samples to process. This because of all of the things he's implementing, but I'm the one held accountable for them. I know no one could be doing a better job than I am, but every little mistake I make is noted and and is currently counting against me. The way I see it, no one is perfect, and you can look at anyone for long enough and you'll eventually find something to nail them for, even if they're not doing it on purpose. And currently I don't feel like a valued employee at all. I know I'm good at my job. I'm better than anyone he could possibly find to do it if I left--I'm not being boastful, just honest. But I'm having a hard time with it, I'm having a hard time with school because I'm constantly worrying about work when I should be worrying about classes that warrant worrying entirely on their own bases, and I'm just not happy where I am.

Unfortunately I feel stuck. My evaluation said some very nice things, but also held minute accounts of all that need to work on. Even when there was something I was being rated on that held nothing but praise, the ratings just didn't match up. Oh how I hate being patronized. And then the things I did excel at I somehow felt like I shouldn't be doing as well at. It was all like a huge slap in the face. I've always felt my contributions outweighed my faults, but that's sure not how his picture was painted. I don't think he realizes how bad it all looked, but I couldn't really question him on any of it, both because I couldn't quite articulate how I was feeling throughout this whole process, and because his memory is better than mine. I do have my imperfections after all; he might be a jerk for putting all of them in there, and worse because knowing him he doesn't even realize that fact, but when it comes down to it, it's his right to do it. But he made me sound like a flake, and if I switch sections that can't be a good thing; no one wants someone who forgets little things, and they can't know the circumstances under which these little things occurred because he didn't put them in there. After all this he asked me how school was going. I basically let Micro Manager know that with how hard it's been lately, I can't see myself still working in this section come next fall. He then said something about part time jobs there being hard to come by, and I may have inadvertently said that I would go outside of the company if needs be. Then he said something about him having less than a year to shape the Allergens bench up so as to entice me to stay, like he actually wanted to, and "would I consider staying if that happened?" I was flabbergasted. Like he suddenly valued me as an employee or something. All I can say is that if he implements any more plans to "shape" the Allergen bench up, I'll be stressed out enough to fail out of school, and I sure as heck am not going to work there if it ruins my chances of getting into the Med Tech program. I really should have jumped ship months ago, and the more I think about it, the more I'm ready to leave as soon as possible (basically I just need them to pay for this semester, which is why I can't leave right now). I love the company, I love the people, but I love my sanity as well. And I'm building up quite a bit of resentment, which I don't like at all. But it's nice to have gotten a little bit of it out writing some of it down. I just hope I can get past it all, because the amount of times I've wanted to cry the last few days is longer than my arm. Having vented thus, I think I'll now write a happy post on my other blog.