I am having a downright terrible day. I think starting to watch a depressing movie today helped, along with having to go to work and with life just being kind of "bleh" right now. I assumed that once I passed my Board exam, it would just be instantly better (it is in a way, but not as much as I'd hoped). I was so stressed studying for that test that everything else was put aside till I had time for it again. And now that I'm done with school finally, I'm finding that it's not so easy to pick up where I left off. While that test was the main source of unhappiness for me for the last 6 months, it was also a buffer between me and every other problem that existed in the world and in my life. It was all encompassing, and I had no time to think about anything else. And when I did think about life outside of this test, it was all rose-colored, and I just kept thinking about all the wonderful things I would do as soon as I could; I couldn't focus on the imperfect things.
And now I can and I'm not as motivated as I wanted to be. And life around me didn't pause while I was busy, so finding my way back into the place where my life left off is harder.
Most days are pretty good actually, and I think once the weather is warmer I'll start doing all of the things I was excited about. I can't wait to take random walks by myself. I think I need to get better at being by myself, because I am retarded when it comes to dating. Even from a very young age I figured I'd never get married, and growing up has made me realize how much harder it really is to find someone who will accept and want you with all of the bad, as well as the good. I hate being this flawed, but I guess that's what happens when you only think about one thing for so long, and not about self improvement. I think I'll get better at this, and I'm not ruling out finding someone eventually, but I need to get used to the idea that I very well might not. So I won't be disappointed, and so I won't think a relationship will fix everything wrong (because it won't), and so I can be happy no matter what happens. I just wish my mind hadn't turned to jello and that I could think of what steps I need to take next to end up where I want to be.
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