It's crazy how complex the human mind is. How many emotions are available to feel, and how little it takes to feel them sometimes. I hope someday to crack it.

Passing the time...

Wow, third day in a row. Am I gonna get fired or what? I'm not on the internet much at work anyway, but I think that's mainly because there's nothing to look at with the filter. And I miss having the internet at home. It's freeing in a way not to, on accounts of it being free, and it not being available as a time-suck, but sometimes you need to quickly check something before you invariably forget it.

I ordered some old school typewriter ribbon yesterday. Kind of a frivolous expenditure at the moment, but I couldn't help myself. Now that there are some warm days mixed in there, I suddenly have the desire to sit on my porch and click clack away on my typewriter. Might print off some pictures next week as well. Definitely going to clean out my closet and back room, if I have to drag my space heater in there with me. Those two spots are the black holes for the heat in my house. I'm feeling productive and optimistic on this my last day of this week of work.

Went to some garden shop today. Getting excited to re-do my backyard. I want to zero scape it with plants indigenous to Utah, thus a deserty feel. And I want one of those outdoor stoves, which maybe some sort of seating arrangements around it(rocks/stumps/chairs/I don't know). The stoves that look kind of like a bong, for lack of a better descriptive term. Or the glass piece on an old-timey fuel burning lamp/lantern, circa 1910's? And of course a garden elevated along the walls; I'm thinking with railroad ties separating it from the yard. My sister has a similar thing going on. I want a garden so bad, and the foods within.

I also went to go donate plasma today, because if I can sit and get paid while reading, as opposed to sit and not get paid to be reading, I'm in. Unfortunately they didn't seem to care that I could really use that money. I got turned away for having a systolic of 98 instead of 100. It's always been low. It's just what I get for being athletic and having good genetics. And now I guess if the first time it's low, they make you sit perfectly still for 5 minutes until they take it again. Is it any wonder it came out lower the second time? They used to make you do jumping jacks or something before taking it again. I naturally tend to bounce my leg at all time, so that sucked. I hate that they lowered prices and apparently are more stringent on certain things. Having gone to school for what I do, I can tell you, letting me bounce my leg would not have been cheating in a way that would endanger me when donating. Also, if employees are on the floor sticking people with needles, and they are openly talking about how they routinely let people come in to donate who they can tell are high or on meth, I think I should be good too. That was frustrating. I got to work too early. Back to the positive note I was maintaining before all of that though...I'm now back to med tech wages, after mastering my test. I get back-paid from the 5th, which couldn't come at a better time.

Now I'm just wondering how I'm going to get through the next 9 hours...

Nothing and everything on the mind

I am having a downright terrible day. I think starting to watch a depressing movie today helped, along with having to go to work and with life just being kind of "bleh" right now. I assumed that once I passed my Board exam, it would just be instantly better (it is in a way, but not as much as I'd hoped). I was so stressed studying for that test that everything else was put aside till I had time for it again. And now that I'm done with school finally, I'm finding that it's not so easy to pick up where I left off. While that test was the main source of unhappiness for me for the last 6 months, it was also a buffer between me and every other problem that existed in the world and in my life. It was all encompassing, and I had no time to think about anything else. And when I did think about life outside of this test, it was all rose-colored, and I just kept thinking about all the wonderful things I would do as soon as I could; I couldn't focus on the imperfect things.

And now I can and I'm not as motivated as I wanted to be. And life around me didn't pause while I was busy, so finding my way back into the place where my life left off is harder.

Most days are pretty good actually, and I think once the weather is warmer I'll start doing all of the things I was excited about. I can't wait to take random walks by myself. I think I need to get better at being by myself, because I am retarded when it comes to dating. Even from a very young age I figured I'd never get married, and growing up has made me realize how much harder it really is to find someone who will accept and want you with all of the bad, as well as the good. I hate being this flawed, but I guess that's what happens when you only think about one thing for so long, and not about self improvement. I think I'll get better at this, and I'm not ruling out finding someone eventually, but I need to get used to the idea that I very well might not. So I won't be disappointed, and so I won't think a relationship will fix everything wrong (because it won't), and so I can be happy no matter what happens. I just wish my mind hadn't turned to jello and that I could think of what steps I need to take next to end up where I want to be.

The filter is down at work. I know I shouldn't be taking advantage of it like this, but I'm hardly ever on the internet at work. And today has been quite the day. I made quite a few mistakes with my run of samples, had to rerun them, and I'm exhausted.

I can never think of what to check on the internet anymore now that I don't have easy access to it. So I won't really do all that much on here, though I could technically look at anything for the remaining 45 minutes of my shift. I think I may just leave early though. My back is killing me something fierce. That's what happens when you exercise a lot in a period of a few days after being largely lazy and sedentary for more than 6 months.

Played frisbee this morning. It felt good after such a long absence, but the running with a bad back led to me putting too much pressure on my knees, and everything still hurts from that random kettle bell workout I did at work. This is why I just say no to working out at work. That and my being lazy and preferring to spend my breaks drinking caffeine in a stationary fashion.

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Just managed to pirate a little bit of internet from my neighbors for the moment. It won't last long...I've never lived in a place before where everyone has passwords, and not many bands besides, but now is that place. Usually I have to go to the coffee shop.

Anyway, not really anything at the moment to write even. More just writing because I found the opportunity to and can't think of anything else to do with stolen internet. I did have plans with my friend Melissa Villnave for a Valentine's Day movie and dinner, which made me feel not at all pathetic that I can't manage to get a guy in my life who has any romantic interest in me whatsoever, but she had a small crisis regarding school and I guess that's just how life works out most of the time. She has to redo a presentation for the next 4 hours, and I have to be a loser by myself. Oh well. Think I may do a movie after all.

Making a go of it.

I barely remembered the other day that I used to write on here, long ago. And I guess a part of me missed it. Missed the random act of writing whatever's going on in my head.

This test, which I can't seem to get around, mostly due to my own stupid psychoses, has aided in my losing any longterm purposes in my life at the moment. I keep thinking about throwing things on my potter's wheel, planting a garden, renting some honeybees for my yard, biking, climbing, getting a dog, learning to weld, making my own furniture pieces with wood, taking more pictures and printing them (also to make my house more my own), going on walks in the sunlight, reading books of leisure...but it all seems so unreachable at the moment. I do realize that they will come with time though. I have a hope in my heart that these things will eventually be realized, no matter how drissly this winter has been and currently is for me. I'm ready for it to be over. If I'd had a better perspective going into it, I could have enjoyed it, but if I'm going to not enjoy a season, at least it's winter.

I will eventually cross that bridge, one way or another, or at least force myself over the worst of it. Action is better than inaction, at least where my own sanity is concerned. And I need to get the internet. You never realize how crazy it can make you, being used to it and not having it. I don't need it, but I think my life would be more organized and concise with it. But I need to be able to afford it first I guess.

And I think I'll hopefully be writing on here more often; for myself. I know not many people read it anyway, which is fine for me since it's mainly the selfish act of me liking to write, whether I'm good at it or not.