Apathetic Me.

I started looking into volunteer organizations today. I've felt strangely numb for a really long time now, and I figure this would be one way to force myself out of the confines of myself. It's strange. I don't feel sad, or angry...or anything more than moderately happy at times for that matter. I can be happy, but things that would have made me ecstatic in the past just bring a fleeting happiness that goes with amazing rapidity. Everything is incredibly toned down as far as my emotions go, so I guess I would describe my current state as resigned and apathetic. For the most part.

I went off my antidepressants awhile ago, and I have no intention of going back on them any time soon if ever. I kept getting the prescription gradually bumped up, over time, to the point where I'm convinced they helped me find this muted place I'm in now. I certainly was more depressed at the time I went off them, because I was in such a stunted state, and I hated it. And I can't say I am now. Depressed that is. I've simply found myself somewhere I don't want to be after a year of hell on earth via school and work, and the world as it was before no longer exists now. So I'm trying to cope with that, but it's not the same as depression at all really. It's just amazing how much people change, and situations change, in as little time as a year. I'm still getting used to everything being so different now that I suddenly have time to spare, when before I hadn't 2 seconds to myself to think. And of course I've lost the desire to plan or to attempt to move forward. I've been forcing myself to anyway, in certain regards, but I think it will be a while before I get somewhere worth being. I think I've reached a point where I can't really make myself care what others think. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but I can tell the last thing I need is to isolate myself more. I do care a little, but not enough to want to socialize much. Or at least to take the effort to socialize when it's not already presented to me. That's a totally different situation. But I haven't really been faced with that so much either, so the desire in me is even less.

Still getting used to the new house. The new ward (I've only been there once, so it's to be expected). To sort of being in school again. I'm torn between a slight annoyance that everyone else has started already and wanting to have started too so I can get it over with already, and being afraid to start because there's so much I've already forgotten and I'm still not over being burnt out from the last time. But I have way too much free time on me at the moment. I'm almost happy to be going back to work tomorrow. In fact, it's not even an almost. I guess I'm lucky I like my coworkers so much, though I know I'll be tired the second I get there, and I'll regret having missed it immediately. I didn't really accomplish much this last week. Or at least nothing large enough to have been tangibly explained. People will ask me what I did, and I'll have nothing to report. But half the time I do something worth telling lately, it's because I was forcing myself to do it in the first place, trying to get back to my former self. I think this is going to be a long road after all.

I hung out with my 15 year old nephew and sister a bit this weekend, played some rock band with them, somewhat planned a trip to New York taking place in October with all of my sisters and my mom, went to dinner with my London girls, and watched Casablanca Sunday with a few friends. I also read. And I bought some cds which will aid me in therapudically losing myself a little. And that was all I really cared to accomplish.