Apathetic Me.

I started looking into volunteer organizations today. I've felt strangely numb for a really long time now, and I figure this would be one way to force myself out of the confines of myself. It's strange. I don't feel sad, or angry...or anything more than moderately happy at times for that matter. I can be happy, but things that would have made me ecstatic in the past just bring a fleeting happiness that goes with amazing rapidity. Everything is incredibly toned down as far as my emotions go, so I guess I would describe my current state as resigned and apathetic. For the most part.

I went off my antidepressants awhile ago, and I have no intention of going back on them any time soon if ever. I kept getting the prescription gradually bumped up, over time, to the point where I'm convinced they helped me find this muted place I'm in now. I certainly was more depressed at the time I went off them, because I was in such a stunted state, and I hated it. And I can't say I am now. Depressed that is. I've simply found myself somewhere I don't want to be after a year of hell on earth via school and work, and the world as it was before no longer exists now. So I'm trying to cope with that, but it's not the same as depression at all really. It's just amazing how much people change, and situations change, in as little time as a year. I'm still getting used to everything being so different now that I suddenly have time to spare, when before I hadn't 2 seconds to myself to think. And of course I've lost the desire to plan or to attempt to move forward. I've been forcing myself to anyway, in certain regards, but I think it will be a while before I get somewhere worth being. I think I've reached a point where I can't really make myself care what others think. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but I can tell the last thing I need is to isolate myself more. I do care a little, but not enough to want to socialize much. Or at least to take the effort to socialize when it's not already presented to me. That's a totally different situation. But I haven't really been faced with that so much either, so the desire in me is even less.

Still getting used to the new house. The new ward (I've only been there once, so it's to be expected). To sort of being in school again. I'm torn between a slight annoyance that everyone else has started already and wanting to have started too so I can get it over with already, and being afraid to start because there's so much I've already forgotten and I'm still not over being burnt out from the last time. But I have way too much free time on me at the moment. I'm almost happy to be going back to work tomorrow. In fact, it's not even an almost. I guess I'm lucky I like my coworkers so much, though I know I'll be tired the second I get there, and I'll regret having missed it immediately. I didn't really accomplish much this last week. Or at least nothing large enough to have been tangibly explained. People will ask me what I did, and I'll have nothing to report. But half the time I do something worth telling lately, it's because I was forcing myself to do it in the first place, trying to get back to my former self. I think this is going to be a long road after all.

I hung out with my 15 year old nephew and sister a bit this weekend, played some rock band with them, somewhat planned a trip to New York taking place in October with all of my sisters and my mom, went to dinner with my London girls, and watched Casablanca Sunday with a few friends. I also read. And I bought some cds which will aid me in therapudically losing myself a little. And that was all I really cared to accomplish.

Happy Birthday Buddy

I just did something I found very strange.

Today I woke up late, hung out at my sister's a bit, moved my bed/futon to my new house with the help of my parent's, and spent some time at my high school's centennial bash.

The bed thing had to be done. As much as I love sleeping on mats on the floor, I really just needed it there so I could finish figuring the layout of my room, and move things around it accordingly.

The school thing did not need to be done, but I let myself get talked into it anyway. I don't think I've been in my old high school but twice since I graduated; once for Candlelight with my friend Leah the year after we graduated, partially because to go see our junior friends from track and PLT and bell choir...and partially because I love music during the holidays, and once two years after graduation when my friend Camille was the lead in Pirates of Penzance, and I had a few other friends in the same musical. So I walked around and saw all the changes that have been made, as well as all that hasn't changed, all the old stuff on display, ate cake, and saw part of a slideshow assembly type thing remembering all the greatness that is Bingham High School. Strange. I realized upon entering the school that I had forgotten how absolutely everything looked, but after seeing it I realized it's largely the same. The whole thing surprised me in regards to how fondly it made me remember high school, but I'm still happy it's over.

In other news, I've started biking to work on a pretty regular basis. Of course, with an off week every other week, and fall and winter coming on fast, I don't think I'll be able to get all that much experience or exercise out of it. I already feel healthier, but I'm pretty sure that's all in my head. I'm surprised how much I love biking to work, even with the occasional hills, but I hate hate HAAAATE riding home. Very creepy. At least the very last portion is. I never look forward to it.

That's all I've got.