A Tit For Tat. (I think I know what that means, I just hope it doesn't sound dirty)

So a lot has happened as of late.

First things first: I decided to audit my Advanced Anatomy class, which basically means I'm still taking it, but I won't be graded. This is excellent because I would most surely fail the class, but I love it and am learning a ton. I have a good friend at work with 3 very smart med school student friends, and they all got C's in this class. Since I am currently applying to the Med Tech program, my grades still matter at this point, so I would hate to screw up my GPA and chances of getting in with a class I don't technically need to take but am for fun. However, I do still get to go to all the labs, which means I still have to do my homework, so as to learn and not look like an idiot in front of all the TAs and other students when we present our diagnosis's for the problems.

Also, I'm cross training at work up front. I finally feel like a well rounded technician. Instead of solely being a bench technician I can now answer phones and answer client questions about tests, find out turn around times, I can split samples, do buckets (bringing samples into lab), storage (sending samples out of lab and into storage), put away samples, sit up front, write non-allergen excepts, deal with the problem box, inventory, call logging...the list goes on and on. I feel less useless, but it's nice because even though I know how to do everything now, I won't have to deal with it on a daily basis.

Yeah, just a short one for now. I'm been very busy as of late, so my thoughts are scattered. I'll probably write more tomorrow.

How can you get happier than pink words?

So my last post was freaking depressing, so I'm here to remedy that.

I have a test on Thursday; I'm not panicked yet, but I'm sure it will come. For right now I'm really happy. My break down is over, and with it came clarity. I think somewhere in the last year I became really happy with myself. I don't mean I'm perfect or anything; in fact I'm quite the opposite, but I like myself enough to see my flaws and want to fix them. I don't feel as selfish or as introverted or as self conscious as I once was. I like my life, I like the people in it, and I'm enjoying the now. My break down is past history. I realize that most history is in the past, but I refuse to rephrase my latter statement.

FYI: I dropped my stats class. I don't mean to sound mean (if you know what I mean), but I'm pretty sure I got on the short bus when I should've found the right bus stop before taking a trip. It all reminds me of elementary school, when they put me in Resource for a week, then took me out again. I had trouble concentrating in elementary school. Given any sort of push to achieve I excelled at whatever we were doing (seriously, I'm not boasting; I could fly to the moon on a freakin' concession stand if I put my mind to it), but I lost interest and became bored with things very easy. I'm pretty sure I had the "shy" variety of ADD, because I was super quiet. Anyway, they gave me candy and pencils with cool erasers, and I got to play computer learning games, and was given special attention...I loved Resource (If that's what it means to be "special," sign me up). Only they decided I was too smart and after a week of heaven, and I returned to the "normal" class. Back to the future (hey, I think I finally understand why they named that movie that), turns out I needed to take the 1070 stats class, not 1040, for any sort of Health related major. Amazing what a difference lies in only 30 degrees of college level difficulty. That class was cake. I didn't study and I nailed the midterm. Then I dropped the class, because I need to focus on Advanced Anatomy, which is the most challenging embarkment I've ever endeavored to take off on. *hehehe* "Off on." You'd never know I minored in English.

Anyway, it'll be hard just to pass the class, and I plan on passing, so I think I'll be spending more time in the lab, and reviewing old stuff I wish I'd retained, and new stuff that refuses to stop coming. But I'm still excited about learning. I think I'll be better at whatever comes next for this experience.

On another note, I had a great week off. I fully mean to write about it soon, but so far I already have a list of unfinished topics I need to write about. Like fun week for instance, as well as my "best ofs." I'll get around to it all eventually, and be ready to be amazed when I do.

Thought Vomit

I feel like I need an out-vent, and unfortunately this is it. I kind of feel weird about writing about my feelings, but I don't really have anywhere else to put them right now. Normally I would turn to my family. I know that regardless of what kind of a person I am at the time, I know they love me for me, and not just when I'm pleasant. I guess I don't really feel that way around anyone else. But something happened last week that down right scared me more than anything has in my life. I'm used to being able to go to my parents with my problems; we've always had a very open relationship. What I'm not used to is the opposite occurring. I feel so weak most of the time, and suddenly to have someone you look to as your rock turn around and lean so much on you...I wasn't sure how to respond, I just knew I needed to. I felt inadequate and weak, but I did what I could, then worried about what I couldn't. My mom told me she was proud of me and the person I've become, and I just stood there and thought about how truly imperfect I really am, and how sad I was that I couldn't be better for them.

So here I am now and besides that moment, just about everything else that could go wrong this week did. Both machines were down at work, and I was putting in severe overtime. I felt disappointment in myself regarding school, I inadvertently hurt my roommate's feelings, and I really just felt like there was no one I could turn to with my frustrations.

Saturday came and I was finally looking forward to being able to hang out with people. I felt so alone this past week, and I just needed to be around anyone. I think the meat loaf was the only good part of my day unfortunately. I ended up feeling like a friend of convenience--One people are happy to hang out with when I'm in an upstanding mood, but when I'm sad or unhappy I don't think I have many people who are willing to still be around me, or who care if I'm not around. So my day ended with me feeling abandoned, sitting in my car outside of my house, crying for 2o minutes. I'm a baby, I know it, but I'm okay with it. I'm not saying my feelings were correct, but I couldn't make myself feel differently in my solitary state. I don't know, I guess it's just hard to count on people outside of yourself, and it's really unfair to them doing so a lot of the time. I hate being a burden. Hopefully this week can't get worse.

Kind Of A Buzz Kill

I've been on this buzz for the last 3 months at least. I'm not sure why. I can think of a few reasons actually. It's been really nice, but I think it's over now. At least to a degree.

I had my skull practicum on Thursday, and I presented my problem set synopsis. I felt deflated for the rest of the day. The whole presentation thing made me realize that I am not over my life-long fear of public speaking. I thought I was. My voice noticeably trembled and I lost my train of thought more than once. Also, I was so flustered that I missed the easiest foramens on the practicum. I should have studied harder for instead of spending so much time on the problem sets. It was worth more, and it's supposedly the easiest one. I realized that I really need to be putting more effort into this class than I have been. But I'm ready to. I'm actually really excited about it. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.

Anyway, the hardest part will be reviewing all of my past anatomy stuff and retaining it so I can think more on instincts when doing my problem sets, but I'm going to make sure I go to a lot more of the lab reviews from now on. They have them every day, although on some days they only have them in the morning, and I have class. But I should be able to make it to quite a few, and then I'll be in the right mind-set.

I think that will restore my former state of mind. I like being happier, and I refuse to stop now solely in the interest of being a slacker.

Mandatory Dance Off.

So Monster--the energy drink--not so good. Boo Koo on the other hand, is delicious. And I was looking at the ingredients; there isn't that much caffeine in there. Comparatively anyway. I'm sure there is quite a bit, but it was pretty far down on the list of ingredients. Definitely more of a sugar buzz. And then there's the fact that it has 255% of vitamin B-12, and 85% of B-something else. I now know what you were talking about with the vitamin B pill your grandma gave you Duckling.

I'm really tired lately. I need to study more, procrastinate less. I back myself into walls. Statistics is okay to forget about, since it doesn't seem to make me worse off, but Anatomy needs a lot of time a day, and I'm behind. That's what I'll do this weekend, and the next time I bring my book while hanging out with people, I'll actually be reading it. A lot.

I'm really enjoying it though. I probably won't be much today though. I have my problem sets due today, and no bursts of genius came this time. I should have presented mine last week, when they were actually right. Not that I'll be marked down if they're wrong, as long as it makes sense where my thoughts were coming from, but I do hate to look stupid in front of people. And of course I'll be worrying about my practicum, also today. I don't know why they didn't just decide to cancel the problem sets for this day. I guess they really do expect a lot more from us. But I still have a lot of studying to do before I'm ready for the practicum this afternoon. Or I'm at least comfortable with the thought of taking it . I need to look at disarticulated skulls this morning, then maybe I'll be okay. And I need some caffeine right now.

A Day In The Life Of Something McSomethingkins.

I'm almost 98% certain, with a margin of error + or - 3%, that eating left over chicken last night gave me a cold. You might say to me, "Something, you can't get a cold from eating chicken, unless someone with a cold sneezed on it within an hour of it being consumed (and unless I have fridge fairies, I don't think that's possible), and even if it could give you a cold, how could you possibly pinpoint the chicken as being the cause of said cold?" My reasoning is thus:

I was sitting down on my couch, anticipating the joy that would be brought by the savoring of my left over breaded sesame chicken. [Dramatic pause]. This moment never came. [Second dramatic pause; but only half as long]. Alas, I had heated my a notch chicken above the point of perfection. It didn't feel hot when I put it in my mouth, but upon swallowing it both burned and scraped my throat. Luckily, as I learned in anatomy the other week, the pain receptors past the point of your upper esophagus only recognize stretching as painful. Unfortunately the entire right half of my throat is still tender and hurts wicked bad when I swallow. It feels exactly like the sore throat that would accompany a nasty cold. I think my body sensed that, and decided that maybe it really did have a cold, and that's why all of the other symptoms followed. I find I can bear it quite cheerfully if I pretend it's just a side effect of a cold. But otherwise...I just don't know enough about how long it takes throat scrape-burns to heal. But I did get a cold, so at least one good thing came out of this tragic tale.

That said... We now no longer have the internet. I think my roommates kind of started a war with the other half of the house, or they started it with my roommates, but either way...The war is on. It's actually just an exchange of snippy notes, left on each others cars, and usually about each others' parking. They did leave one on the door once about not rolling the trash barrel(?) out to the side of the road, but honestly, who asked them to do it? They could have left it and we'd've learned our lesson. Anyway, the most recent episode included them parking on our side of the driveway, behind my roommate's car, blocking her in; and her letter was directly followed by a locked wireless signal point. I enjoyed it for 3 days, and I'm glad for the time we shared together, but it's so much harder to let it go having only recently partaken of the sweet nectar that is home internet use. Once #2 moves out we're going to get it, but that's a while away, and it will be bittersweet when it happens, as I like both of my roommates. But I guess I can appreciate it more till then; and of course it's already served the higher purpose of helping me to finish my Anatomy problem sets that my roommate and I procrastinated.

Christmas Miracle

So the most amazing thing just happened to me. My roommate and I stayed up till one in the morning trying to figure out our Diagnostic Anatomy Problem Set. We did well on two of them, B.S.ed the third, and got stumped on the fourth. It was actually the first problem, and seemed easy upon first site, but proved to be quite tricky to diagnose. I know how to test whether neck pain is associated with a certain muscle, but what if there are several with the same innervations, functions, and positions? And I have no idea to tell whether it's a muscle or ligament. Because it's more of a clinical approach to Anatomy, our problem sets can't always be accomplished with just the information he's given us, so it requires a lot of research, which is tricky because we only get them on Monday, and they're due every Thursday.

So Roomy #1 went to bed at about one, which is good because she has a test on Friday that's a much bigger deal than our problems, and she needs to be able to focus on that. That was after we spent 4 hours on them. I stayed up to finish the last problem, which I have a greater understanding of now, but which has yet to be finished. It's now 6 am plus. I haven't slept. I don't feel very tired. I think it was the Boo Koo Duckling recommended, although she probably regretted it when I answered the text she sent me last night at 3 in the morning.

Now for the miraculous part, which allowed me to stay up to do my homework, as opposed to waking up and doing it the morning of the day it was due. We haven't had internet for the entirety of me living here. It's sucked. I only can use it at work, which is limited, and at the library, which isn't far but is still inconvenient to walk to more than is absolutely necessary. But suddenly I was using Roomy #2's laptop in the living room, and a little bubble popped up saying it was connected to the internet. I tried it; it was. So I was able to learn all sorts of interesting things, in my pajamas, from the comfort of my couch. Right now I'm in my room, which is also exciting, but I should be sleeping. I think it's entirely too likely that this connection won't last long (because it’s low and I’ve already lost it once), which is why I decided to do this now...when I should be sleeping. So now I've done it, and I'm going to bed.

Wasn't that miraculous?