Happiness in Ignorance

So I started thinking recently that I haven’t been a very positive person lately. Oh, I’ve always been sarcastic and somewhat caustic in my cynicism, but I’ve always been happy in that, and I have at least tried not to be that way around people who will take me seriously. But recently I’ve been wondering if people who I’ve thought wouldn’t take me serious have been all along. I won’t lie, despite cynicism and sarcasm being on the board at church of things not to be, I like being them, and I don’t see it changing in the near future. Oh yes, I can and probably will try to tone it down a bit, but I was born with the sense of humor I have, and without that I’m not even sure who I’d be…some stranger I guess (I mean, it’s not my only trait, but it probably overshadows any others quite impressively). But I did have this realization in Florida that if I were to meet someone exactly like me in every way, I wouldn’t be able to be their friend. Which made me think, why exactly do I have friends? I think it’s a testament to the kinds of friends I’ve made that they’ve been willing to put up with me.

Lately however, with the stress of life and my general attitude, I think certain friends don’t want to put up with me any more, which makes me sadder than I can say. Also, recently I found out that at least two of my good friends are scared of me most of the time. I know it should make sense to me why this is, but I still don’t understand and couldn’t help but be deeply hurt. I tend to be argumentative and passionate in what I argue, but I automatically think people will approach this in the way that I would…which is either to ignore it, or to just know me well enough to realize that I don’t mean to be that intense in my arguments, and to know that I don’t hold it against anyone for disagreeing with me. I’m pretty incapable of holding a grudge, since I never can remember to hold one when I feel I deserve to. I think that’s one of the reasons that it’s good I’m moving. I can’t rub anyone the wrong way or be intimidating when I’m not around as much to do it. Hopefully I’ll be able to succeed in the next while with trying to come off as less strong in personality and thus less mean. I never mean to be mean, but I think with out a doubt I can be. I tend to be too blunt, because I'd rather be honest than fake, and ultimately I just need to exercise tact better. I’ve also started to be less oblivious lately, which is unfortunate. Oh, I guess it’s good to know if you’re annoying someone so you can stop, but when it makes you feel badly about yourself and at people for not taking it how you meant it…I’d rather just stay where I can choose to see the best of everyone. Especially when you realizing that you’re annoying doesn’t necessarily employ you with the means to stop it. Somehow my oblivion has changed recently though, and I need to learn to get back. I would rather be naïve and lost than aware and unhappy. So I can’t be happy without being positive, and I don’t think I can be positive if I’m aware of everything around me.