Making the Right Decision

I found the perfect house the other day. I want it so badly I can't stand it. I could probably stand it, but I'd rather not. I'm actually putting in an offer, but it's a short sale, so there are no guarantees and me not getting it is an extreme likelihood. But it's exciting to be pre-approved and moving forward. And it would be great to get it, though expensive. It's in the perfect location, 9th East and about 13th South, and is less than any house normally would be there; but still it's my upper limit and the first few years would be uncomfortable. It has the most magnificent front yard with foliage and porch, wide open living space, 2 rooms, large attic, unfinished basement I could see turning into a pottery studio, and a decently sized backyard with deck and much potential for a garden among other things. The whole thing screams potential. It's not perfect, and it would require a lot of cosmetic work over the years, but the guts are good. I think it very much could be me. And I very much want something to devote my time to lately. I need a project, because just right now I don't want a life. I'm not ready to be happy yet, just productive. I don't know why it feels so right, but even my sister who is extremely critical of homes has a good feeling about it. We'll see. I suspect it might not be the most important thing I ever do or deal with, but it is important.

There are of course other houses I'm looking at, and that I will hopefully go see tomorrow and Monday, so if I do find something else amazing I'm not going to pass it up for a pipe dream...but I'm not in a hurry here. I can spend some time on this. I'm okay with being homeless in the meantime, so I won't rush into something I will regret.

I've been looking into different real estate agents subsequently. I ended up going with someone who was a friend of my brother-in-law's father. I think he'll do, but I don't know how crazy I am about him. He's a nice guy and people like him, I think he'll do an okay job, but he does have a habit of rambling off the subject sometimes and of being more busy (with other clients) than I'd like ; it makes me wonder if I'll be able to look at things as quickly as I'd like. But honestly, I think most people would fall short on how quickly I'd like to look at things some of the time. My schedule is hard to ascertain in advance. I think I'm okay with making my own meetings and going to them just with my sisters if I have to. I had a million recommendations for realtors, but I wanted to act quickly on a few properties, and I didn't want to have any more initial meetings before looking at them. Also, I would feel badly making a bunch of people potentially think I'd be working with them, and then not. And of course there's the lazy factor. As cautious as I am, I'm also more timid than I'd like, and I don't want to be an adult that much. If I chose the wrong realtor all on my own, that would suck. As it is, all my family was there with me and felt fine about him, so whatever. I think he's an honest guy, and I guess that's pretty important. I could be wrong, but I've never had a realtor before, and thus have no idea of what to expect of one.

Lost

I find myself writing a lot lately. Probably too much. Not on here, but everywhere else. I started keeping a journal, and then I got crazy into writing some letters for a while there, and though it's sort of a release to let some things go and get other things out via writing, I can't help but think I went overboard. I think that just because you can say something, doesn't mean you should. Yet, keeping things inside can be so harmful, or painful, or something. I used to be so closed off, and I think a part of me wanted to work on that and become more open, but now a part of me wants to go back to the way I was. I don't quite know how to cope in an outward fashion. I want to keep things to myself unless I have a good reason to disclose them, because some things might hurt people, no matter how unintentional they were. I think I say things now without thinking, and before I would have thought very hard about them before deciding whether or not any good would come of saying them. Or whether more harm would come than good. I hate that. You can be an honest person without saying everything. It's just not so easy to go back to quiet, even though I know I'm not very good at being outspoken. I don't know how to go about it. But frankly there will always be things I will overthink, and I will always hold myself back in certain ways when I do overthink. I'm still a cautious person, but obviously not cautious enough in the right ways. I just can't help it. I closed off my emotions and feelings from other people for so long, and for a while there it was really hurting me, and the only way I got out of that dark place was by surrounding myself with positive and being open and honest, fighting that desire to keep it to myself. And now I can't keep anything to myself. And I have hurt a really good friend by saying what I should have waited to say, or said differently. Or maybe said all along, instead of holding it all in till it had to come out in the worst way possible.

I think it's just life really, but it sucks all the same. And now he's hurting and I'm hurting, and I don't see the end to the hurting.

This n' That

I am far from a good blogger recently, but I figure it's about time. Plus it's when I'm sad, lonely, bored that I decide to write, so it's kind of fitting.

I've been trying to find a house recently. It is hard work, and I don't think I'm adult enough to handle it by myself. It's something I've never been good at--being an adult--but I've been working on it lately. Luckily my mom and two sisters seem up to the job...that is when their lives don't get in the way. I have a pre-approval already, some perspective houses I'm waiting to hear back on as to when I can view them, and a potential real estate agent--though he's out of town till the 15th and I don't really want to wait that long to get going. He's a friend of my brother-in-law's dad and he seems good, but he's nothing to me. More than anything I wish my good friend Berta's husband could be my agent, but alas, they're out of the state for the summer. I did find out how to borrow against my 403k, which is apparently a ridiculously easy process. My friend Jason told me so. He just bought a condo, so he should know. My good friend Devin also recently bought a condo. I am there right now, because he's in Hawaii, and I have to work in Salt Lake tomorrow and don't trust myself to wake up and work a morning shift if I'm not close to work. I really hate that I agreed to work on my off week, especially since I just found out my lil sis's baby's blessing is tomorrow. He's adorable when he's not screaming, but that's acid reflux for you. I'm also slightly bummed to be homeless right now, though I brought it on myself. It's not so bad really, I'm just in a mood to feel sorry for myself at the moment. Which mainly has to do with a boy, which I can mention because he doesn't know about this, and because that's all I'm saying about that. I do feel better being out of my old place and saving money. My stuff is currently in a storage unit, and I have friends and family who are nice enough to set me up for the night. Devin is my hero right now for being so graciously accommodating while he's out of town. I need to buy some stuff for his place to say thanks. He's also putting my fish up until I find a house. This is a big deal, because I didn't think about them before I turned in my month's notice. Six semi-aggressive fish and a 29 gallon tank take up some space, and they need to be fed and stuff. I also didn't think about plug location before filling the tank with water, and now there is a power cord that goes across the kitchen. I'm counting on Devin being the most understanding, least likely to be bothered person I know on that count.

Speaking of fish, mine are a little stressed at being in a new place. I keep being surprised that I haven't managed to kill them yet, and I hope that stays the same. I did manage to get my catfish stuck in the net trying to get him into a bag during the moving process (stupid defensive arm and top fin barbs),
then had to cut him out. He has a nicked top fin and a piece of green net stuck on his side fin now. I feel simultaneously guilty and ticked off at him. None of them have been eating well; I think I've thrown them off of their regular morning eating schedule, especially with the difference in lighting.

And with all of that, I now have to go to bed. I feel so stupid going to bed at 9 pm, but I will not be able to get up before 5 am if I don't. I'm not good at early mornings, but I don't want to let anyone down, and I want to get out of there as soon as possible. I think I need to stay longer anyway, but an earlier start is always better. I hope I can force myself to be in the mood to work. Mornings are busier, I haven't worked one in quite some time, and very few of the people will be ones I'm used to working with. Oh well.

I think I may be a bit of a glutton for punishment. Kind of a cliche saying, but it works so well. So much good has been happening lately, and it seems like the only time I write is when I'm unhappy, questioning life, second-guessing myself... Hence I haven't written in a while.

Graduation is within a hairs breadth and it feels so good...assuming I haven't botched it up by putting off taking my chemistry rotation exam or by not turning in my rotation journals. I really hope that doesn't hold me back. And that they let me take that exam. Stupid rotations. But school is not what is worrying me.

I want to fix problems; be entirely non-judgmental towards everyone, make people happy, change lives for the better. But I don't know how. Or if that even fixes anything. How much of an effect can one person have on another? How much does a person need to do on their own, and how much do they need others? What if in trying to help, one actually makes it worse by contributing to actions that encourage future unhappiness, and all for the sake of acceptance? But what if you can't help it because it comes so naturally?

Wasting/Killing/Squandering/Frittering Away Time

It's funny that whenever I have important things to do--like homework so I can not fail out of college a month away from graduation--I get on these movie watching kicks. I watched a freak-load of them this week. It was my week off of work, so I was supposed to brush up on my microbiology, so I don't look quite so clueless during my rotations at St. Marks, plus I still have to forge 6 weeks worth of rotation journals (which was technically due more than a week ago)...but did I? Not on your previous existence.

Instead I went to the video store and pretty much bought them out. I forced my friend Jason to watch Mars Attacks! with me, because I had the weirdest craving to watch it after some people at work mentioned it last week (incidentally, who remembered that Jack Black was in that? Not me. He was so skinny I didn't even recognize him. There were a lot of people in there actually, not to mention it was directed by Tim Burton with music by Danny Elfman? How did I not remember that?) I'd never seen Rushmore, but I like stuff by Wes Anderson, especially if Bill Murray is in them, so that was a must. Clerks was a prior recommendation I forgot about, which I likewise enjoyed and probably should have seen much sooner than I did. For good measure I threw in Rachel Getting Marries, Capote, and Days of Heaven.

Rachel Getting Married was better than I thought it would be. Well thought out and touching all of the right nerves. I cried like a baby during several parts of course, because if there is a semblance of sad in a movie, I will find it and cry over it. I haven't watched Capote or Days of Heaven yet, but I look forward to watching a classic 70's Richard Gere movie, which I guess is supposed to be visually stimulating, and Philip Seymour Hoffman dramatically portraying Truman Capote.

I got to help throw a baby shower yesterday, and thanks to my good friend Paige, I didn't screw up my responsibilities. I said goodbye to two of my Lon Dolls for the summer, and got to later hang out with old high school friends I still like...all in the same day. Not bad. I also hung out with my sister's pretty cute baby, got a manicure (very strange I know), and ate Greek/copied music/watched the Office and 30 Rock with Heidi.

Right now I'm lamenting the return of snow and finding the inspiration to clean my room, while feeling guilty I still haven't tackled my homework. I tell myself that a clean place to study is a must, and that I really only need to rush the rewriting of my culture identifications tomorrow to be alright school-wise. It's kind of the first day I haven't hung out with anyone, and it's sort of refreshing. I love people, but I think I still have some pretty reclusive habits, and it's a relief to just loaf around once in a while. I was going to climb and hang out with my friend Tarris, but there is no way I'm driving to Ogden right now with my driving skills. Only now that I've said that I kind of feel like a long drive and contemplation...

God Bless You Bob Costa

I had some funny experiences today at school talking to some people from Core lab. I don't think I could ever work there, because I would be bored out of my mind, but I kind of love everyone I've come into contact with.

Today I spent my morning up in the cafeteria talking with Bob Costa and having him help me fill out homework documents. I got just as much of his life experiences, and I've got to say, I'm sad I don't come into contact with him more, because he is hi-lar-i-ous. His humor was often cutting, he said "this is my joke" various times before saying how he saw things, and really just made me laugh. We talked about traveling, my life's goals, his divorce and ex-wife who still works there, eating fish, arsenic poisoning, people messing up at their jobs, why New York and California have so many more specifications than anyone else for testing, and a slew of other things. He totally made my day. And I got out of there by 11, even after meeting with Ellen to go over my review, who is also a delightful person. The test looks to be cake, but I still have quite a few homework exercises to finish that I really don't want to.

I also saw a fantastic show last night (Andrew Bird) which no doubt has contributed to my good mood. He has such a pretty voice. Very talented, and it constantly amazes me that he can make all the different sounds he does just with a violin. And that whistling--I'm so jealous he can whistle like that. I'm actually jealous of anyone who can whistle right now. I used to be able to, but now it's like the elusive art of trilling/rolling r's to me. I just can't reach it. Oh well. One day I will be a master triller.

I've been wondering a lot lately about whether or not I'm some sort of weird bipolar. A kind without the mania, but that has many other mood alterations that occur within days to minutes. Mainly I just think I'm stressed and tired. No matter how much I like my surroundings, or aspects and people within my life, they all seem to evaporate at certain moments along with reasonable thought, only to be replaced with the sure conviction that I will never be finished with school. It's kind of become the bane on my existence. Because for as long as it lasts, I really can't devote any time to all of the aspects of my life that need working on. My typical day consists of school then either work or homework, followed by a very small amount of sleep. I don't think I'm the kind of person who can stand to do the same things day in and day out. I need some variation. Right now I'm home from school and doing homework because I have to be competent on doing cell differentials by tomorrow when I have a practical test on them. I did them for the first time in about 6 months today. All I have done today is school related stuff. I might burst any moment because there just isn't time for anything else. I think the true cause of the "bipolar" moments/days is that whenever I have a really good day/moment, I inevitably compare it to the current stressed out version of my life, to past happinesses, and then I have a hard time adjusting back to crappy.

Kind of a side note: went to Devotchka's concert last night with Heidi. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. Better than I thought. I officially love them right now more than I feel I can really express. It's been a while since I've been to a good concert, but I could never have guessed it would be that good just from listening to the cd of theirs I have. One of the most enjoyable I've ever been to. I guess I could go on to say why, but I don't really feel like it at the moment, and let's face it, I'd best get back to my homework. Also another side note: I actually kind of enjoy my rotations right now. I mean, I'm stressed because it's school, and 6 straight hours of looking at cells in microscopes would get to anyone, but other than that it's been a really positive experience. Maybe I need to focus and write about the positive things happening to keep all of the rest at bay. I think that will have to wait till another day though, because as I stated, I have to be competent at cell diffs by tomorrow. If I can get through tomorrow, life will be sweet for another 3, maybe 4 days. I get to watch movies with friends tomorrow night, hang out with my sisters Saturday, hang out with other friends Sunday or Monday, and I have the weekend to finish my packet full of questions/information that will help me study for my 3 exams next week. Here's to hoping my Mac will read the cd of Hematology they gave me today.