I find myself writing a lot lately. Probably too much. Not on here, but everywhere else. I started keeping a journal, and then I got crazy into writing some letters for a while there, and though it's sort of a release to let some things go and get other things out via writing, I can't help but think I went overboard. I think that just because you can say something, doesn't mean you should. Yet, keeping things inside can be so harmful, or painful, or something. I used to be so closed off, and I think a part of me wanted to work on that and become more open, but now a part of me wants to go back to the way I was. I don't quite know how to cope in an outward fashion. I want to keep things to myself unless I have a good reason to disclose them, because some things might hurt people, no matter how unintentional they were. I think I say things now without thinking, and before I would have thought very hard about them before deciding whether or not any good would come of saying them. Or whether more harm would come than good. I hate that. You can be an honest person without saying everything. It's just not so easy to go back to quiet, even though I know I'm not very good at being outspoken. I don't know how to go about it. But frankly there will always be things I will overthink, and I will always hold myself back in certain ways when I do overthink. I'm still a cautious person, but obviously not cautious enough in the right ways. I just can't help it. I closed off my emotions and feelings from other people for so long, and for a while there it was really hurting me, and the only way I got out of that dark place was by surrounding myself with positive and being open and honest, fighting that desire to keep it to myself. And now I can't keep anything to myself. And I have hurt a really good friend by saying what I should have waited to say, or said differently. Or maybe said all along, instead of holding it all in till it had to come out in the worst way possible. I think it's just life really, but it sucks all the same. And now he's hurting and I'm hurting, and I don't see the end to the hurting.
4 comments:
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all that. I'm sure that it will work out. Saying I'm sorry works wonders, even when you don't think it will suffice. Hugs to you.
It's fine. I really did choose it all in a way, but unfortunatly it's so much more complicated than even I can say. Enough so that sorry won't cut it. Or will and I'll never know if it made a difference. The thing is, it's not entirely my fault, but more than I would like, and I have said sorry so many times that it may lose its meaning. I hope it makes a difference, because it's all I can do at this point.
Thanks for being my friend. You girls really do make such a difference in my life.
While I can't say "I've been there before," I can definitely say that I've been somewhere very much like where you're describing. And it hurts and it hurts and it won't stop and it doesn't go away--in my case, it was for years that Bryan and I were in such different places in life. He didn't want to be with me, and I wanted to be with him so badly... and for three years I just made myself deal with the most badly broken heart. I can't say when you'll find your end to that hurting, but you'll find it. But you have to let yourself. Please let me know what I can do, Trippy.
Whit, it's scary how much our situations are alike actually, though yours eventually found the happy ending and I don't see mine as a possibility. I think I just have to hurt for now, hope he finds a way through his hard times, and keep moving forward as much as I can bare to right now. I know it's not the end of the world, it just feels like it. So thank you for being my friend. I very may well come visit you in Logan for that boating and feeding you promised, sometime in the nearish future. It would be nice to be around a friend, and far away from the local areas that are currently haunting my psyche.
Post a Comment