Been a while. I can't say I really regret it though, because there has been nothing of value to write. That's not to say that what I'm about to say is of any value, just that everything prior to now has been reeeeeaaaaally not of value. School is one of those things that when I find myself talking to people about it, I leave the conversation thinking, "why was I talking about that? They were bored, I was bored because I'm boring right now, and do I really have to spend all of my non-school moments talking about school when school mostly stresses me out all of the time?" Bleh. Very masochistic of me.

I'm writing now because I just got 3 cds in the mail, and I'm excited, and that excitement is being channeled here (I'm listening to the album "Recievers" by Parts and Labor at the Moment). And because I've kind of missed writing, generally. I got an email from my English advisor/professor Mark today. I ended up meeting with someone else to get my graduation application signed, but he still wants to get together this week and catch up/talk about my plans. I have no idea what my plans are anymore, but it would definitely be nice to talk about something literature and not science related. I might try for that on Friday after my exams.

So, I started my rotations recently...meaning I'm more than half-way through the first semester. I also remembered that I'm supposed to be keeping a daily journal of them for the class next semester that takes the place of my lab management class. It's the only class I have (that's not online) that is in any way a "class" format. We mostly sit and whisper loudly in the back, and mess around on our computers with im and youtube videos. It's solely attendance, and with work and my rotations on monday I totally missed it for the 4th or 5th time. This does not bode well for my grades. Anyway, I also haven't been journaling. This week has been pretty good (the first I haven't felt severe anxiety). I'm in Immunology, which is the section I work in, so I know and feel comfortable around all of the people, and am familiar with most of the tests. I'm rotating alone, so I finish things faster. They're starting me later in the day too at 9 (it's sad that I now think that's late), and I've gotten off at noon or earlier until today, due to a practical that had long incubation times, where I got off at 130 and spent the two 30 minute incubations going to lunch and surfing the internet. Some of that was studying, but my actual rotations are pretty chill when I'm not trying to write down the things being said with ridiculous all-catching speed. The time outside of "class" are more stressful because there's a lot to know, and I study better not camped out at the place I work. For instance, at this moment I'm writing this in between studying, AND eating a microwaved yam slathered in butter, salt and pepper. As an aside, I think I might have a slight allergy to pepper. My throat kind of itches when I eat it.

Apathetic Me.

I started looking into volunteer organizations today. I've felt strangely numb for a really long time now, and I figure this would be one way to force myself out of the confines of myself. It's strange. I don't feel sad, or angry...or anything more than moderately happy at times for that matter. I can be happy, but things that would have made me ecstatic in the past just bring a fleeting happiness that goes with amazing rapidity. Everything is incredibly toned down as far as my emotions go, so I guess I would describe my current state as resigned and apathetic. For the most part.

I went off my antidepressants awhile ago, and I have no intention of going back on them any time soon if ever. I kept getting the prescription gradually bumped up, over time, to the point where I'm convinced they helped me find this muted place I'm in now. I certainly was more depressed at the time I went off them, because I was in such a stunted state, and I hated it. And I can't say I am now. Depressed that is. I've simply found myself somewhere I don't want to be after a year of hell on earth via school and work, and the world as it was before no longer exists now. So I'm trying to cope with that, but it's not the same as depression at all really. It's just amazing how much people change, and situations change, in as little time as a year. I'm still getting used to everything being so different now that I suddenly have time to spare, when before I hadn't 2 seconds to myself to think. And of course I've lost the desire to plan or to attempt to move forward. I've been forcing myself to anyway, in certain regards, but I think it will be a while before I get somewhere worth being. I think I've reached a point where I can't really make myself care what others think. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but I can tell the last thing I need is to isolate myself more. I do care a little, but not enough to want to socialize much. Or at least to take the effort to socialize when it's not already presented to me. That's a totally different situation. But I haven't really been faced with that so much either, so the desire in me is even less.

Still getting used to the new house. The new ward (I've only been there once, so it's to be expected). To sort of being in school again. I'm torn between a slight annoyance that everyone else has started already and wanting to have started too so I can get it over with already, and being afraid to start because there's so much I've already forgotten and I'm still not over being burnt out from the last time. But I have way too much free time on me at the moment. I'm almost happy to be going back to work tomorrow. In fact, it's not even an almost. I guess I'm lucky I like my coworkers so much, though I know I'll be tired the second I get there, and I'll regret having missed it immediately. I didn't really accomplish much this last week. Or at least nothing large enough to have been tangibly explained. People will ask me what I did, and I'll have nothing to report. But half the time I do something worth telling lately, it's because I was forcing myself to do it in the first place, trying to get back to my former self. I think this is going to be a long road after all.

I hung out with my 15 year old nephew and sister a bit this weekend, played some rock band with them, somewhat planned a trip to New York taking place in October with all of my sisters and my mom, went to dinner with my London girls, and watched Casablanca Sunday with a few friends. I also read. And I bought some cds which will aid me in therapudically losing myself a little. And that was all I really cared to accomplish.

Happy Birthday Buddy

I just did something I found very strange.

Today I woke up late, hung out at my sister's a bit, moved my bed/futon to my new house with the help of my parent's, and spent some time at my high school's centennial bash.

The bed thing had to be done. As much as I love sleeping on mats on the floor, I really just needed it there so I could finish figuring the layout of my room, and move things around it accordingly.

The school thing did not need to be done, but I let myself get talked into it anyway. I don't think I've been in my old high school but twice since I graduated; once for Candlelight with my friend Leah the year after we graduated, partially because to go see our junior friends from track and PLT and bell choir...and partially because I love music during the holidays, and once two years after graduation when my friend Camille was the lead in Pirates of Penzance, and I had a few other friends in the same musical. So I walked around and saw all the changes that have been made, as well as all that hasn't changed, all the old stuff on display, ate cake, and saw part of a slideshow assembly type thing remembering all the greatness that is Bingham High School. Strange. I realized upon entering the school that I had forgotten how absolutely everything looked, but after seeing it I realized it's largely the same. The whole thing surprised me in regards to how fondly it made me remember high school, but I'm still happy it's over.

In other news, I've started biking to work on a pretty regular basis. Of course, with an off week every other week, and fall and winter coming on fast, I don't think I'll be able to get all that much experience or exercise out of it. I already feel healthier, but I'm pretty sure that's all in my head. I'm surprised how much I love biking to work, even with the occasional hills, but I hate hate HAAAATE riding home. Very creepy. At least the very last portion is. I never look forward to it.

That's all I've got.

Stuff

Haven't written in a while, so I suppose that should be remedied. A lot has happened since last I did of course, but I always forget the things before I can say anything about them. I actually came to the conclusion recently that I don't precisely have a bad memory, per say, at least in the sense where I don't remember things having happened (I actually usually remember events pretty vividly for the most part), but my sense of time is skewed in relation to them. I never remember when things happened; e.g. how long ago, on what day of the week, etc. You could say my depth perception in regards to memory is busted. Last week, last year...they're pretty much the same in my mind. When asked what I did on my off week, the answer will always be, "I'm not really sure." Yet minute things will remind me of the events that transpired, eventually, and boy...then try to get me to shut up. Of course, that's events. Facts and learned things are gone for good after so long without regular reviewing.

So, I'm still moving. That's about the extent of what's happening to me right now. I get the question of whether I have or not yet every few days it seems. Alas, I wish I had already, but I still have to deal with the whole process. My room is actually a mess, and I'll be moving the bulk of it tomorrow into one of my parents' trailers they cleaned out for the occasion. Think a horse trailer, only its never housed horses or any living things. These are the kinds of things my parents find and accumulate. I'm super glad work is over for the week, but I've had hairline stresses towards just about everything for a while now, with all that's happening, so I really haven't planned my off week like I should have. Technically this week should be Semi Fun Week, part Summer, but I just can't do it while I'm worried about moving, so I'll have to put it off another couple of weeks. It really shouldn't make a huge difference with my upcoming school schedule.

Speaking of which...my lab management class on Monday afternoons/nights is horribly boring. Think 1&1/2 to 2 hours of guest lecturers talking about how to be leaders in a lab setting, defining things like organization and referral power. I think it should be pretty painful, but it is surprisingly welcoming to suddenly see all the people I became so accustomed to seeing on a daily basis, but haven't in fact seen since school ended.

In other news, I'm going to spend my birthday this weekend with some people in Clark's cabin in Idaho. Something about a cabin in the middle of nowhere, along with people I've known since elementary school (thus being as comfortable around them as one can around other people), is very relaxing to think upon. I can be my annoying self and not worry as much about whether I'm driving people away or not. I mean, if they've put up with me for this long, what could I do to succeed at driving them away?

Ummm, let's see...I did check out some excellent concerts this last week, and they definitely warrant mentions. The Thursday before last was Clap Your Hands Say Yeah at the Gallivan Center, with Delta Spirit opening.
I hadn't heard of the latter, but they were quite excellent. Of course I already loved Clap Your Hands before then, and everyone loves a free concert. I was only disappointed they didn't bring t shirts for the buying. Heidi and I actually biked down and back, so that was a good experience in and of itself. One of these days I will succeed at a healthy lifestyle. Then there's always old dancing man, who is at every concert with his own choreographed moves, and who I enjoy watching about as much as anything.Wilco with Fleet Foxes at Red Butte Gardens was that following Monday, and man was that a amazing show. 1 beautiful garden amphitheater outdoors (duh), 2 great bands, 2 people I like going to/seeing shows with, and the ability to bring in anything you want in with you (which we didn't utilize, but it's nice to know we could have brought in a cooler of beer or whatever if we'd wanted to). It was much better than I was thinking it would be actually, and so I'm really glad I stumbled onto what I thought was a glitch in the Red Butte website--at the time--that resulted in me getting tickets at a reasonable price (meaning the original price charged before the show was sold out within seconds of having tickets for sale). It also felt like a really long show, which is a good thing when you like what you're hearing. This Thursday was Broken Social Scene at the Gallivan. Fan-freaking-tastic. I loooooove them so much. And they were free. I still can't believe they got them to come. Again, bikes were ridden to and from the show. It was slightly marred by the fact that I was less and less fond of the opening act more and more as their set progressed, and that the concert in and of itself felt really short. It wasn't of course, but when they were done I sooo wanted more. I could have listened to them all night; there were so many things I wanted to hear them play that it just wouldn't have been feasible for them to do so, in any given situation other than a daydream. It only could have been better if they had gotten Feist to come with them, thus enabling them to play many a song from the You Forget it in People album. So in short, it was excellent. I did also get a flat tire being stupid on my bike on the ride home. But I got it fixed before I rode down to the Farmer's Market this weekend, so no lasting harm was done. And I got a CO2 canister for any future mishaps.
So this really has no relevance on any level to anything, but a month or so ago I bought a large box of Foster Farms corn dogs, and they might be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. In the sense that I'm incapable of not eating them. I've always enjoyed them on occasion, usually while babysitting at my sisters' house, because it seems anyone with kids has them in their freezer. I used to think it was about the quality of the actual hot dog. It's not. It's all in the double dipped honey batter. For some reason I don't get sick of them, so I've devoured most of the whole box. Heaven help me if I ever buy them again.

Differenter Plans

So I decided the basement idea won't work at all. I was set and resigned to my fate until I randomly texted my friend Mody the other day to see how she was doing, and it turns out my guardian angel, Birdie, talked to her about my needing a new place. As it happens, she has a room open in her place in Sugarhouse, and I looked at it yesterday. Her roommate was nice, and she's super awesome herself, so the only qualms I have is moving all of my many things out there (I hate the moving process), and possibly the lighting. I'm so dumb with things like that. Lighting affects my mood, but so do roommates who talk blowhorn style into their phones and say the F word 5 or 6 times in the course of a 5 minute phone call. I had totally forgotten this was a common occurrence because my memory sucks, and it really makes it worse that you can hear everything from my room. It wouldn't be a problem in the basement, but the new roommate would surely have a problem with this as much as I do unless they were already friends with said roommate, and I predict drama. Did I mention I think she's a great person? I'm going to have a ridiculous amount of studying next semester though, and I won't be able to pull it off with the noise, even if there isn't additional noise provided by other people. And she is dramatic, as this particular phone call proved. Pure drama at that Olive Garden in Sandy. Man I'm getting good at whining about my life. Hopefully that will change with my surroundings.

Anyway, I think Liz would let me buy new lamps...perhaps? The room looks much the same size as my one now, but there are 2 closets. The house is just below Sugarhouse park and the neighborhood looks okay. It's nothing compared to my house now, because my backyard and all the greenery are nothing short of awesome, and hammock spot, but you give and choose a little when it comes to these things.

So now I need to tell Meg and Jackie. I don't know if our landlord will trust Jackie and 2 new people to stay there though, so I need to talk to Meg about the options first. As much as I'm partially afraid of Jackie's reaction, I'm worried about Meg's because I don't want her to think less of me. Moving out to live with mormons and all. I respect her a lot, and have loved living with her. And I hope to hang out with her before she moves to New York this November now that we both have actual time to hang out. She said I should come visit her and JC in New York and stay with them, which I told her would happen if she actually invited me, and she totally did, so there you go.

Now I just have to think about how to go about this...

Plans

Up until today I was on a family plan with my little sis. That is until this bad boy arrived. I guess its Sprint's answer to the iphone (Oh, when will they outgrow their sibling rivalry), and unfortunately it didn't come with the fire. My friend at work Jon kept trying to get me to get an iphone because I was due for an upgrade, and I kept trying to tell him I didn't want one, at which point he kept telling me I was lame, at which point I told him he was an insufferable jerk. He says these things because his main joy in life and at work is to get a rise out of me and to tell the truth as little as possible. And so he happens to be my favorite co worker. Then I told him my plan was up and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.

It turns out Jon pays about 30 bucks a month for unlimited texts and web through Sprint. He does this by essentially cheating the system. It's an employee discount, but he doesn't know any employees. They actually raised the price to 60 bucks since he signed on, which sucks, but its still cheaper than if I got a limited internet plan through cingular or any other company I could find, including Sprint without the discount (which runs around a 100 bucks). And it's only 10 bucks more than my current plan. Anyway, so Jon got me this discount, hereby proving that underneath his insupportable demeanor, he actually is a pretty decent human being.

The phone has GPS on it, which frankly is the #1 reason I got it (I told you the whole iphone thing didn't really interest me). It's exciting really with my sense of direction. I only wish it had a British accent. And it has tv, which is nice, but probably won't be used. The email thing will be nice, but again isn't essential or anything. And it has a little pen. It's a touch screen, so there you go. I basically got a phone because it had GPS and a little pen. Plus through signing up with Sprint it really wasn't that bad of a price--much less than Cingular ever has been. They actually rip you off on phone prices there more than anywhere else. And I figured I should get a phone that took advantage of the unlimited net feature.

In other news, I'm moving into the basement. I've been looking into finding places to move, and it's just a lot of effort and isn't very fruitful, especially given all the stress it's causing me. My new plan is to find a new ward and move into the only room in the house where you can't hear everything else in the house no matter where you are. It also has better lighting, which is surprisingly a big deal for me. Jackie--bless her heart--I don't think realizes she's as loud as she is. She's actually a pleasant person to be around, but I realized today, when we were talking to someone looking at our house, she talks a few decibels louder than the average person. I'd suspected as much, which is why is was harder to study last semester on occasion. It wasn't a huge deal most of the time, but it played its little part in why I might possibly be moving out. But the basement should be better, and chances are if I'm not being all that social from here, it's not going to change by living with a bunch of new strangers. The not mormon thing isn't actually a huge problem, or hasn't been. With the exception of New Years and the Superbowl; which after our chat had better not be happening at our house with booze this year. That's what friends are for, is my opinion.

Update

I think my mind is clearer today than yesterday, yet muddier than ever. I talked to Jackie...kind of in a roundabout way I can't even take credit for, but I think most of the things that needed saying were said, in addition to the things that came across all wrong...and things will be alright. I still have no idea what I'm doing, but who really does? I really do like Jackie, and I respect how she lives her life even if it's not the way I live mine, so I feel awful that she's felt guilty in any way for the things she has no reason to be ashamed of. It's okay we're different people. I just need a change, and moving would be the easiest. That is, if it were easy to find housing.

I took down the ad I put on KSL and Jackie put up a new one. I don't know if it's possible to find someone who will work for both of us, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to see while I'm figuring things out. After I explained the me being a crappy mormon thing and wanting a new ward and roommates with LDS standards so it's not just one more thing making life harder than it should be...well, she said she wouldn't have alcohol in the house and wouldn't invite crazy people over. I feel bad, because that is so totally nice of her to make an effort like that because she wants to keep me as a roommate, but why should I have all the say in things? If I were her I would say so long and farewell. But we both like our house and feel comfortable there. That's kind of a red flag for me a bit. Anytime you're too comfortable with a situation it makes it harder to grow, and boy do I need growing. I let her know I'm not sure what I need to be doing right now, but that I need to be doing something different and that moving is the only thing I can think of that would fulfill that requirement.

At the time I was at the Institute building looking at the housing posting board; I think I'll be looking into calling those people tomorrow, as well as letting people look at our house. Who knows what I'm doing. I think I'll have to have a good long pray tonight, and maybe things will be clearer tomorrow--if I get lucky. I just hate not knowing things. I hate not knowing if there are people out there who I could live with who'd bring out the more social person in me that I used to be. I know that person is not one that most of you have met or remember--unless I'm related to you--but I swear it was there more than just occasionally from the age of about 19 to 22 or so. I think I need to peel away the layer of bitter left over from school and who knows what else to get to the core of my buried motivation.

And so now I'm very tired. And though I think I've come to terms with it in my tired state, this week off has really sucked. Tomorrow's Saturday and no camping or fun activities are occurring. The next week, however, I will miss my family reunion. I might call in sick. Only I'd inform my boss I wasn't really sick. We shall see.