Realizations

So it's official: my life sucks real bad right now. So bad, that I purposely fudged the grammer of that last sentence.

Today in particular left me feeling uncertain of just about everything in my life right now. I found out for sure that next year I will be by myself in the way of rotations at school, or rather, partnered with no one I know. They all chose amidst each other, and I was the odd one out. It definitely feels like I'm without friends in my life right now, or at least any that live anywhere near by, or who really care, or so it feels like. Man that's pathetic, but what can you do? It's my own fault for being too busy to foster any of my friendships, but I can't do anything about that now. School and work have made it too hard for anything else, and I don't have the energy to do anything about it, or the money to quit my job. Anyway, I'm venting here, because that's what I do, and there aren't a lot of other options that don't involve me cowering in a corner eating my hair, or going crazy more violently by keeping it all inside. Besides, I figure this isn't read often enough to matter to anyone but myself.

This year in particular has been one of the hardest of my life. I find myself asking myself constantly, "what am I doing here? I'm not particularly happy, I'm stressed out, things that I used to like school-wise I'm becoming increasingly disenchanted with because of all of the stress..." At this point I'm only sticking it out because I'm so close to being done, and because I don't want these last few years to have come to nothing. I'm 24, and I have yet to attain any college degrees. I'm so ready to be done with school. I know I'm not even going to be in this field forever, yet I feel I have to stick it out. I have to have that back up plan before I do something that is unlikely to work, but I'll be happier doing. And my parents are proud of me right now. I'm not sure why, but I would hate to disappoint them after all this time. I originally wanted to go into something stable and well paying enough that I could support them in their old age if they needed it, because I worry about them, and they've taken care of me my whole life. But I think they're smart enough in their savings that they'll be all right. And we're the only thing they actually worry about, so if I'm not happy, they won't be. But they are getting older, and I just wish that they did't always have to work so hard...

I'm actually not really sure what I'll do after this, but I know it has to get better. Art, English Literature, Archeology...just about anything would be better and more interesting I think. It's not that science is uninteresting though. I'm just too fascinated by all aspects of life to tie myself completely to science. I just want ot get out and into the world already. But first I need to work on being a more likable person who doesn't bring everyone else down with me. Any suggestions? If I don't even like myself, I can't very well expect anyone else to.

I do worry about graduating and finding myself alone though, with everyone I knew before having moved on and away. I've never been very good at making new friends, so it's a good thing I'm too busy with school and work to worry too much about these things. Anyway, I'm pretty sure God still likes me at least, so if I can work on my relationship there, everything will turn out okay I think.