I feel like I need an out-vent, and unfortunately this is it. I kind of feel weird about writing about my feelings, but I don't really have anywhere else to put them right now. Normally I would turn to my family. I know that regardless of what kind of a person I am at the time, I know they love me for me, and not just when I'm pleasant. I guess I don't really feel that way around anyone else. But something happened last week that down right scared me more than anything has in my life. I'm used to being able to go to my parents with my problems; we've always had a very open relationship. What I'm not used to is the opposite occurring. I feel so weak most of the time, and suddenly to have someone you look to as your rock turn around and lean so much on you...I wasn't sure how to respond, I just knew I needed to. I felt inadequate and weak, but I did what I could, then worried about what I couldn't. My mom told me she was proud of me and the person I've become, and I just stood there and thought about how truly imperfect I really am, and how sad I was that I couldn't be better for them.
So here I am now and besides that moment, just about everything else that could go wrong this week did. Both machines were down at work, and I was putting in severe overtime. I felt disappointment in myself regarding school, I inadvertently hurt my roommate's feelings, and I really just felt like there was no one I could turn to with my frustrations.
Saturday came and I was finally looking forward to being able to hang out with people. I felt so alone this past week, and I just needed to be around anyone. I think the meat loaf was the only good part of my day unfortunately. I ended up feeling like a friend of convenience--One people are happy to hang out with when I'm in an upstanding mood, but when I'm sad or unhappy I don't think I have many people who are willing to still be around me, or who care if I'm not around. So my day ended with me feeling abandoned, sitting in my car outside of my house, crying for 2o minutes. I'm a baby, I know it, but I'm okay with it. I'm not saying my feelings were correct, but I couldn't make myself feel differently in my solitary state. I don't know, I guess it's just hard to count on people outside of yourself, and it's really unfair to them doing so a lot of the time. I hate being a burden. Hopefully this week can't get worse.
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4 comments:
I don't know what to say. It sounds like you had a very hard week. Looking back I wish I could've/would've done more for you. I had no idea how your week had been (that's not really an escuse I know) but I think when so many things pile up the little things become even more significant and eventually become the catalyst to an emotional "breakdown". I don't think there is anything pathetic or baby-ish about you crying.Often the only way to feel better is by feeling really really crappy and just getting it all out. We all have our grumpy days. Remember me at Frogkisser's birthday party? I was no fun and no one wanted to be around me either. It just happens sometimes.Hopefully we can all learn to understand each other better and be honest with each other. Hopefully that will eliminate some of our disagreements and help us treat each other with more kindness and respect.
I do not know what to say. You need to tell us how you feel and we need to tell you how we feel but we are not always going to be happy with the outcome and vise versa. Communication is key. I thought we were having a good time at the pub. I had no idea that you were not. We are all very different people and we need to understand that. I do not like it when you are grumpy so I get a little frustrated and I admit that I do not like to be around grumpy people because it makes me grumpy. But we all get grumpy, especially me and people tell me when I am being a bum, but I have to learn to get over it so I can be happy if that makes sense. Here is a little song:
Be optimistic
don't ya be a grumpy
When the road gets bumpy
just smile, smile, smile,
smile and be happy.
Pathetic song I know.
And by the way, vomit is gross. I once threw up on my nephew. Ha ha. Every time I have fruit loops in the morning I throw up for some reason. I was running to the bathroom but I didn't make it and I threw up all over him and his sleeping bag while he was sleeping. It was sad. He woke up to me and my mom desperately trying to clean it up. "Why are there little carrots all over me?" he asked. Hmmm.... I think that is enough details on this story.
I did mostly have a fun time at the pub. It was the part afterwards where I was left behind that kind of sucked.
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