This n' That

I am far from a good blogger recently, but I figure it's about time. Plus it's when I'm sad, lonely, bored that I decide to write, so it's kind of fitting.

I've been trying to find a house recently. It is hard work, and I don't think I'm adult enough to handle it by myself. It's something I've never been good at--being an adult--but I've been working on it lately. Luckily my mom and two sisters seem up to the job...that is when their lives don't get in the way. I have a pre-approval already, some perspective houses I'm waiting to hear back on as to when I can view them, and a potential real estate agent--though he's out of town till the 15th and I don't really want to wait that long to get going. He's a friend of my brother-in-law's dad and he seems good, but he's nothing to me. More than anything I wish my good friend Berta's husband could be my agent, but alas, they're out of the state for the summer. I did find out how to borrow against my 403k, which is apparently a ridiculously easy process. My friend Jason told me so. He just bought a condo, so he should know. My good friend Devin also recently bought a condo. I am there right now, because he's in Hawaii, and I have to work in Salt Lake tomorrow and don't trust myself to wake up and work a morning shift if I'm not close to work. I really hate that I agreed to work on my off week, especially since I just found out my lil sis's baby's blessing is tomorrow. He's adorable when he's not screaming, but that's acid reflux for you. I'm also slightly bummed to be homeless right now, though I brought it on myself. It's not so bad really, I'm just in a mood to feel sorry for myself at the moment. Which mainly has to do with a boy, which I can mention because he doesn't know about this, and because that's all I'm saying about that. I do feel better being out of my old place and saving money. My stuff is currently in a storage unit, and I have friends and family who are nice enough to set me up for the night. Devin is my hero right now for being so graciously accommodating while he's out of town. I need to buy some stuff for his place to say thanks. He's also putting my fish up until I find a house. This is a big deal, because I didn't think about them before I turned in my month's notice. Six semi-aggressive fish and a 29 gallon tank take up some space, and they need to be fed and stuff. I also didn't think about plug location before filling the tank with water, and now there is a power cord that goes across the kitchen. I'm counting on Devin being the most understanding, least likely to be bothered person I know on that count.

Speaking of fish, mine are a little stressed at being in a new place. I keep being surprised that I haven't managed to kill them yet, and I hope that stays the same. I did manage to get my catfish stuck in the net trying to get him into a bag during the moving process (stupid defensive arm and top fin barbs),
then had to cut him out. He has a nicked top fin and a piece of green net stuck on his side fin now. I feel simultaneously guilty and ticked off at him. None of them have been eating well; I think I've thrown them off of their regular morning eating schedule, especially with the difference in lighting.

And with all of that, I now have to go to bed. I feel so stupid going to bed at 9 pm, but I will not be able to get up before 5 am if I don't. I'm not good at early mornings, but I don't want to let anyone down, and I want to get out of there as soon as possible. I think I need to stay longer anyway, but an earlier start is always better. I hope I can force myself to be in the mood to work. Mornings are busier, I haven't worked one in quite some time, and very few of the people will be ones I'm used to working with. Oh well.

I think I may be a bit of a glutton for punishment. Kind of a cliche saying, but it works so well. So much good has been happening lately, and it seems like the only time I write is when I'm unhappy, questioning life, second-guessing myself... Hence I haven't written in a while.

Graduation is within a hairs breadth and it feels so good...assuming I haven't botched it up by putting off taking my chemistry rotation exam or by not turning in my rotation journals. I really hope that doesn't hold me back. And that they let me take that exam. Stupid rotations. But school is not what is worrying me.

I want to fix problems; be entirely non-judgmental towards everyone, make people happy, change lives for the better. But I don't know how. Or if that even fixes anything. How much of an effect can one person have on another? How much does a person need to do on their own, and how much do they need others? What if in trying to help, one actually makes it worse by contributing to actions that encourage future unhappiness, and all for the sake of acceptance? But what if you can't help it because it comes so naturally?

Wasting/Killing/Squandering/Frittering Away Time

It's funny that whenever I have important things to do--like homework so I can not fail out of college a month away from graduation--I get on these movie watching kicks. I watched a freak-load of them this week. It was my week off of work, so I was supposed to brush up on my microbiology, so I don't look quite so clueless during my rotations at St. Marks, plus I still have to forge 6 weeks worth of rotation journals (which was technically due more than a week ago)...but did I? Not on your previous existence.

Instead I went to the video store and pretty much bought them out. I forced my friend Jason to watch Mars Attacks! with me, because I had the weirdest craving to watch it after some people at work mentioned it last week (incidentally, who remembered that Jack Black was in that? Not me. He was so skinny I didn't even recognize him. There were a lot of people in there actually, not to mention it was directed by Tim Burton with music by Danny Elfman? How did I not remember that?) I'd never seen Rushmore, but I like stuff by Wes Anderson, especially if Bill Murray is in them, so that was a must. Clerks was a prior recommendation I forgot about, which I likewise enjoyed and probably should have seen much sooner than I did. For good measure I threw in Rachel Getting Marries, Capote, and Days of Heaven.

Rachel Getting Married was better than I thought it would be. Well thought out and touching all of the right nerves. I cried like a baby during several parts of course, because if there is a semblance of sad in a movie, I will find it and cry over it. I haven't watched Capote or Days of Heaven yet, but I look forward to watching a classic 70's Richard Gere movie, which I guess is supposed to be visually stimulating, and Philip Seymour Hoffman dramatically portraying Truman Capote.

I got to help throw a baby shower yesterday, and thanks to my good friend Paige, I didn't screw up my responsibilities. I said goodbye to two of my Lon Dolls for the summer, and got to later hang out with old high school friends I still like...all in the same day. Not bad. I also hung out with my sister's pretty cute baby, got a manicure (very strange I know), and ate Greek/copied music/watched the Office and 30 Rock with Heidi.

Right now I'm lamenting the return of snow and finding the inspiration to clean my room, while feeling guilty I still haven't tackled my homework. I tell myself that a clean place to study is a must, and that I really only need to rush the rewriting of my culture identifications tomorrow to be alright school-wise. It's kind of the first day I haven't hung out with anyone, and it's sort of refreshing. I love people, but I think I still have some pretty reclusive habits, and it's a relief to just loaf around once in a while. I was going to climb and hang out with my friend Tarris, but there is no way I'm driving to Ogden right now with my driving skills. Only now that I've said that I kind of feel like a long drive and contemplation...

God Bless You Bob Costa

I had some funny experiences today at school talking to some people from Core lab. I don't think I could ever work there, because I would be bored out of my mind, but I kind of love everyone I've come into contact with.

Today I spent my morning up in the cafeteria talking with Bob Costa and having him help me fill out homework documents. I got just as much of his life experiences, and I've got to say, I'm sad I don't come into contact with him more, because he is hi-lar-i-ous. His humor was often cutting, he said "this is my joke" various times before saying how he saw things, and really just made me laugh. We talked about traveling, my life's goals, his divorce and ex-wife who still works there, eating fish, arsenic poisoning, people messing up at their jobs, why New York and California have so many more specifications than anyone else for testing, and a slew of other things. He totally made my day. And I got out of there by 11, even after meeting with Ellen to go over my review, who is also a delightful person. The test looks to be cake, but I still have quite a few homework exercises to finish that I really don't want to.

I also saw a fantastic show last night (Andrew Bird) which no doubt has contributed to my good mood. He has such a pretty voice. Very talented, and it constantly amazes me that he can make all the different sounds he does just with a violin. And that whistling--I'm so jealous he can whistle like that. I'm actually jealous of anyone who can whistle right now. I used to be able to, but now it's like the elusive art of trilling/rolling r's to me. I just can't reach it. Oh well. One day I will be a master triller.

I've been wondering a lot lately about whether or not I'm some sort of weird bipolar. A kind without the mania, but that has many other mood alterations that occur within days to minutes. Mainly I just think I'm stressed and tired. No matter how much I like my surroundings, or aspects and people within my life, they all seem to evaporate at certain moments along with reasonable thought, only to be replaced with the sure conviction that I will never be finished with school. It's kind of become the bane on my existence. Because for as long as it lasts, I really can't devote any time to all of the aspects of my life that need working on. My typical day consists of school then either work or homework, followed by a very small amount of sleep. I don't think I'm the kind of person who can stand to do the same things day in and day out. I need some variation. Right now I'm home from school and doing homework because I have to be competent on doing cell differentials by tomorrow when I have a practical test on them. I did them for the first time in about 6 months today. All I have done today is school related stuff. I might burst any moment because there just isn't time for anything else. I think the true cause of the "bipolar" moments/days is that whenever I have a really good day/moment, I inevitably compare it to the current stressed out version of my life, to past happinesses, and then I have a hard time adjusting back to crappy.

Kind of a side note: went to Devotchka's concert last night with Heidi. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. Better than I thought. I officially love them right now more than I feel I can really express. It's been a while since I've been to a good concert, but I could never have guessed it would be that good just from listening to the cd of theirs I have. One of the most enjoyable I've ever been to. I guess I could go on to say why, but I don't really feel like it at the moment, and let's face it, I'd best get back to my homework. Also another side note: I actually kind of enjoy my rotations right now. I mean, I'm stressed because it's school, and 6 straight hours of looking at cells in microscopes would get to anyone, but other than that it's been a really positive experience. Maybe I need to focus and write about the positive things happening to keep all of the rest at bay. I think that will have to wait till another day though, because as I stated, I have to be competent at cell diffs by tomorrow. If I can get through tomorrow, life will be sweet for another 3, maybe 4 days. I get to watch movies with friends tomorrow night, hang out with my sisters Saturday, hang out with other friends Sunday or Monday, and I have the weekend to finish my packet full of questions/information that will help me study for my 3 exams next week. Here's to hoping my Mac will read the cd of Hematology they gave me today.

So I added a new song to my playlist which I remembered that I love. I do that sometimes...find myself listening to a song I decide I love, but then forget about, so then I don't get my hands on it and I forget that it exists entirely. But I remembered the other day when I was listening to another song that I decided I love, at work due to a Russian co-worker of mine being stuck in the 90's (what can I say, it brought me back to my middle school years--Run DMC's "It's Like That"). He says they're at least 10 years behind there. And actually, I didn't even remember this song then, just that there were a couple of songs I needed to remember. It took me a while to remember what song exactly. What I really remembered right away was that I heard it on my way to go vote...so yeah, it was quite a while ago. Anyway, it's Mason Jenning's "I love you and Buddha too." It reminded me of an Institute class I took a while back, and how my professor got so excited about all the different religions we learned about, because you definitely can find a lot of truth and excellent teachings in all of them. I guess I'm not really sure what I believe in lately, religious-wise, but I like to think there's a God out there, and if so the best thing we can do to reverence him is to be as accepting of people as He is of us.

Thinkings

Something a friend said to me last night is really bothering me. Like no matter how hard I try not to, I can't help but stew over it, and over-analyze its implications. I hate that I'm like that now. I mean, I've always carefully thought through most everything in my life, but about 5 years ago I briefly became a somewhat extroverted person, for about 3 years to varying degrees. Not to the point where I was entirely devoid of caution in my carefully constructed actions, but I spent a little less time thinking and more time acting on whims that made me happy and taking things at face value. I was less judgmental because I assumed there was goodness in everything and everyone, even if buried deeper in some, and the world held a lot of happiness for me. More than that I was content and going exactly where I wanted to end up. I've gotta say, I'd give anything to be back at that point right now. I think it's possible to get back there, but not without a lot of pain and effort, and I don't know if I have the strength or desire at the moment. All I can do is hope that once I graduate I'll have enough of the stress and anxiety off of my plate to try.