Making the Right Decision

I found the perfect house the other day. I want it so badly I can't stand it. I could probably stand it, but I'd rather not. I'm actually putting in an offer, but it's a short sale, so there are no guarantees and me not getting it is an extreme likelihood. But it's exciting to be pre-approved and moving forward. And it would be great to get it, though expensive. It's in the perfect location, 9th East and about 13th South, and is less than any house normally would be there; but still it's my upper limit and the first few years would be uncomfortable. It has the most magnificent front yard with foliage and porch, wide open living space, 2 rooms, large attic, unfinished basement I could see turning into a pottery studio, and a decently sized backyard with deck and much potential for a garden among other things. The whole thing screams potential. It's not perfect, and it would require a lot of cosmetic work over the years, but the guts are good. I think it very much could be me. And I very much want something to devote my time to lately. I need a project, because just right now I don't want a life. I'm not ready to be happy yet, just productive. I don't know why it feels so right, but even my sister who is extremely critical of homes has a good feeling about it. We'll see. I suspect it might not be the most important thing I ever do or deal with, but it is important.

There are of course other houses I'm looking at, and that I will hopefully go see tomorrow and Monday, so if I do find something else amazing I'm not going to pass it up for a pipe dream...but I'm not in a hurry here. I can spend some time on this. I'm okay with being homeless in the meantime, so I won't rush into something I will regret.

I've been looking into different real estate agents subsequently. I ended up going with someone who was a friend of my brother-in-law's father. I think he'll do, but I don't know how crazy I am about him. He's a nice guy and people like him, I think he'll do an okay job, but he does have a habit of rambling off the subject sometimes and of being more busy (with other clients) than I'd like ; it makes me wonder if I'll be able to look at things as quickly as I'd like. But honestly, I think most people would fall short on how quickly I'd like to look at things some of the time. My schedule is hard to ascertain in advance. I think I'm okay with making my own meetings and going to them just with my sisters if I have to. I had a million recommendations for realtors, but I wanted to act quickly on a few properties, and I didn't want to have any more initial meetings before looking at them. Also, I would feel badly making a bunch of people potentially think I'd be working with them, and then not. And of course there's the lazy factor. As cautious as I am, I'm also more timid than I'd like, and I don't want to be an adult that much. If I chose the wrong realtor all on my own, that would suck. As it is, all my family was there with me and felt fine about him, so whatever. I think he's an honest guy, and I guess that's pretty important. I could be wrong, but I've never had a realtor before, and thus have no idea of what to expect of one.

Lost

I find myself writing a lot lately. Probably too much. Not on here, but everywhere else. I started keeping a journal, and then I got crazy into writing some letters for a while there, and though it's sort of a release to let some things go and get other things out via writing, I can't help but think I went overboard. I think that just because you can say something, doesn't mean you should. Yet, keeping things inside can be so harmful, or painful, or something. I used to be so closed off, and I think a part of me wanted to work on that and become more open, but now a part of me wants to go back to the way I was. I don't quite know how to cope in an outward fashion. I want to keep things to myself unless I have a good reason to disclose them, because some things might hurt people, no matter how unintentional they were. I think I say things now without thinking, and before I would have thought very hard about them before deciding whether or not any good would come of saying them. Or whether more harm would come than good. I hate that. You can be an honest person without saying everything. It's just not so easy to go back to quiet, even though I know I'm not very good at being outspoken. I don't know how to go about it. But frankly there will always be things I will overthink, and I will always hold myself back in certain ways when I do overthink. I'm still a cautious person, but obviously not cautious enough in the right ways. I just can't help it. I closed off my emotions and feelings from other people for so long, and for a while there it was really hurting me, and the only way I got out of that dark place was by surrounding myself with positive and being open and honest, fighting that desire to keep it to myself. And now I can't keep anything to myself. And I have hurt a really good friend by saying what I should have waited to say, or said differently. Or maybe said all along, instead of holding it all in till it had to come out in the worst way possible.

I think it's just life really, but it sucks all the same. And now he's hurting and I'm hurting, and I don't see the end to the hurting.

This n' That

I am far from a good blogger recently, but I figure it's about time. Plus it's when I'm sad, lonely, bored that I decide to write, so it's kind of fitting.

I've been trying to find a house recently. It is hard work, and I don't think I'm adult enough to handle it by myself. It's something I've never been good at--being an adult--but I've been working on it lately. Luckily my mom and two sisters seem up to the job...that is when their lives don't get in the way. I have a pre-approval already, some perspective houses I'm waiting to hear back on as to when I can view them, and a potential real estate agent--though he's out of town till the 15th and I don't really want to wait that long to get going. He's a friend of my brother-in-law's dad and he seems good, but he's nothing to me. More than anything I wish my good friend Berta's husband could be my agent, but alas, they're out of the state for the summer. I did find out how to borrow against my 403k, which is apparently a ridiculously easy process. My friend Jason told me so. He just bought a condo, so he should know. My good friend Devin also recently bought a condo. I am there right now, because he's in Hawaii, and I have to work in Salt Lake tomorrow and don't trust myself to wake up and work a morning shift if I'm not close to work. I really hate that I agreed to work on my off week, especially since I just found out my lil sis's baby's blessing is tomorrow. He's adorable when he's not screaming, but that's acid reflux for you. I'm also slightly bummed to be homeless right now, though I brought it on myself. It's not so bad really, I'm just in a mood to feel sorry for myself at the moment. Which mainly has to do with a boy, which I can mention because he doesn't know about this, and because that's all I'm saying about that. I do feel better being out of my old place and saving money. My stuff is currently in a storage unit, and I have friends and family who are nice enough to set me up for the night. Devin is my hero right now for being so graciously accommodating while he's out of town. I need to buy some stuff for his place to say thanks. He's also putting my fish up until I find a house. This is a big deal, because I didn't think about them before I turned in my month's notice. Six semi-aggressive fish and a 29 gallon tank take up some space, and they need to be fed and stuff. I also didn't think about plug location before filling the tank with water, and now there is a power cord that goes across the kitchen. I'm counting on Devin being the most understanding, least likely to be bothered person I know on that count.

Speaking of fish, mine are a little stressed at being in a new place. I keep being surprised that I haven't managed to kill them yet, and I hope that stays the same. I did manage to get my catfish stuck in the net trying to get him into a bag during the moving process (stupid defensive arm and top fin barbs),
then had to cut him out. He has a nicked top fin and a piece of green net stuck on his side fin now. I feel simultaneously guilty and ticked off at him. None of them have been eating well; I think I've thrown them off of their regular morning eating schedule, especially with the difference in lighting.

And with all of that, I now have to go to bed. I feel so stupid going to bed at 9 pm, but I will not be able to get up before 5 am if I don't. I'm not good at early mornings, but I don't want to let anyone down, and I want to get out of there as soon as possible. I think I need to stay longer anyway, but an earlier start is always better. I hope I can force myself to be in the mood to work. Mornings are busier, I haven't worked one in quite some time, and very few of the people will be ones I'm used to working with. Oh well.