Wasting/Killing/Squandering/Frittering Away Time

It's funny that whenever I have important things to do--like homework so I can not fail out of college a month away from graduation--I get on these movie watching kicks. I watched a freak-load of them this week. It was my week off of work, so I was supposed to brush up on my microbiology, so I don't look quite so clueless during my rotations at St. Marks, plus I still have to forge 6 weeks worth of rotation journals (which was technically due more than a week ago)...but did I? Not on your previous existence.

Instead I went to the video store and pretty much bought them out. I forced my friend Jason to watch Mars Attacks! with me, because I had the weirdest craving to watch it after some people at work mentioned it last week (incidentally, who remembered that Jack Black was in that? Not me. He was so skinny I didn't even recognize him. There were a lot of people in there actually, not to mention it was directed by Tim Burton with music by Danny Elfman? How did I not remember that?) I'd never seen Rushmore, but I like stuff by Wes Anderson, especially if Bill Murray is in them, so that was a must. Clerks was a prior recommendation I forgot about, which I likewise enjoyed and probably should have seen much sooner than I did. For good measure I threw in Rachel Getting Marries, Capote, and Days of Heaven.

Rachel Getting Married was better than I thought it would be. Well thought out and touching all of the right nerves. I cried like a baby during several parts of course, because if there is a semblance of sad in a movie, I will find it and cry over it. I haven't watched Capote or Days of Heaven yet, but I look forward to watching a classic 70's Richard Gere movie, which I guess is supposed to be visually stimulating, and Philip Seymour Hoffman dramatically portraying Truman Capote.

I got to help throw a baby shower yesterday, and thanks to my good friend Paige, I didn't screw up my responsibilities. I said goodbye to two of my Lon Dolls for the summer, and got to later hang out with old high school friends I still like...all in the same day. Not bad. I also hung out with my sister's pretty cute baby, got a manicure (very strange I know), and ate Greek/copied music/watched the Office and 30 Rock with Heidi.

Right now I'm lamenting the return of snow and finding the inspiration to clean my room, while feeling guilty I still haven't tackled my homework. I tell myself that a clean place to study is a must, and that I really only need to rush the rewriting of my culture identifications tomorrow to be alright school-wise. It's kind of the first day I haven't hung out with anyone, and it's sort of refreshing. I love people, but I think I still have some pretty reclusive habits, and it's a relief to just loaf around once in a while. I was going to climb and hang out with my friend Tarris, but there is no way I'm driving to Ogden right now with my driving skills. Only now that I've said that I kind of feel like a long drive and contemplation...

God Bless You Bob Costa

I had some funny experiences today at school talking to some people from Core lab. I don't think I could ever work there, because I would be bored out of my mind, but I kind of love everyone I've come into contact with.

Today I spent my morning up in the cafeteria talking with Bob Costa and having him help me fill out homework documents. I got just as much of his life experiences, and I've got to say, I'm sad I don't come into contact with him more, because he is hi-lar-i-ous. His humor was often cutting, he said "this is my joke" various times before saying how he saw things, and really just made me laugh. We talked about traveling, my life's goals, his divorce and ex-wife who still works there, eating fish, arsenic poisoning, people messing up at their jobs, why New York and California have so many more specifications than anyone else for testing, and a slew of other things. He totally made my day. And I got out of there by 11, even after meeting with Ellen to go over my review, who is also a delightful person. The test looks to be cake, but I still have quite a few homework exercises to finish that I really don't want to.

I also saw a fantastic show last night (Andrew Bird) which no doubt has contributed to my good mood. He has such a pretty voice. Very talented, and it constantly amazes me that he can make all the different sounds he does just with a violin. And that whistling--I'm so jealous he can whistle like that. I'm actually jealous of anyone who can whistle right now. I used to be able to, but now it's like the elusive art of trilling/rolling r's to me. I just can't reach it. Oh well. One day I will be a master triller.

I've been wondering a lot lately about whether or not I'm some sort of weird bipolar. A kind without the mania, but that has many other mood alterations that occur within days to minutes. Mainly I just think I'm stressed and tired. No matter how much I like my surroundings, or aspects and people within my life, they all seem to evaporate at certain moments along with reasonable thought, only to be replaced with the sure conviction that I will never be finished with school. It's kind of become the bane on my existence. Because for as long as it lasts, I really can't devote any time to all of the aspects of my life that need working on. My typical day consists of school then either work or homework, followed by a very small amount of sleep. I don't think I'm the kind of person who can stand to do the same things day in and day out. I need some variation. Right now I'm home from school and doing homework because I have to be competent on doing cell differentials by tomorrow when I have a practical test on them. I did them for the first time in about 6 months today. All I have done today is school related stuff. I might burst any moment because there just isn't time for anything else. I think the true cause of the "bipolar" moments/days is that whenever I have a really good day/moment, I inevitably compare it to the current stressed out version of my life, to past happinesses, and then I have a hard time adjusting back to crappy.

Kind of a side note: went to Devotchka's concert last night with Heidi. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. Better than I thought. I officially love them right now more than I feel I can really express. It's been a while since I've been to a good concert, but I could never have guessed it would be that good just from listening to the cd of theirs I have. One of the most enjoyable I've ever been to. I guess I could go on to say why, but I don't really feel like it at the moment, and let's face it, I'd best get back to my homework. Also another side note: I actually kind of enjoy my rotations right now. I mean, I'm stressed because it's school, and 6 straight hours of looking at cells in microscopes would get to anyone, but other than that it's been a really positive experience. Maybe I need to focus and write about the positive things happening to keep all of the rest at bay. I think that will have to wait till another day though, because as I stated, I have to be competent at cell diffs by tomorrow. If I can get through tomorrow, life will be sweet for another 3, maybe 4 days. I get to watch movies with friends tomorrow night, hang out with my sisters Saturday, hang out with other friends Sunday or Monday, and I have the weekend to finish my packet full of questions/information that will help me study for my 3 exams next week. Here's to hoping my Mac will read the cd of Hematology they gave me today.

So I added a new song to my playlist which I remembered that I love. I do that sometimes...find myself listening to a song I decide I love, but then forget about, so then I don't get my hands on it and I forget that it exists entirely. But I remembered the other day when I was listening to another song that I decided I love, at work due to a Russian co-worker of mine being stuck in the 90's (what can I say, it brought me back to my middle school years--Run DMC's "It's Like That"). He says they're at least 10 years behind there. And actually, I didn't even remember this song then, just that there were a couple of songs I needed to remember. It took me a while to remember what song exactly. What I really remembered right away was that I heard it on my way to go vote...so yeah, it was quite a while ago. Anyway, it's Mason Jenning's "I love you and Buddha too." It reminded me of an Institute class I took a while back, and how my professor got so excited about all the different religions we learned about, because you definitely can find a lot of truth and excellent teachings in all of them. I guess I'm not really sure what I believe in lately, religious-wise, but I like to think there's a God out there, and if so the best thing we can do to reverence him is to be as accepting of people as He is of us.

Thinkings

Something a friend said to me last night is really bothering me. Like no matter how hard I try not to, I can't help but stew over it, and over-analyze its implications. I hate that I'm like that now. I mean, I've always carefully thought through most everything in my life, but about 5 years ago I briefly became a somewhat extroverted person, for about 3 years to varying degrees. Not to the point where I was entirely devoid of caution in my carefully constructed actions, but I spent a little less time thinking and more time acting on whims that made me happy and taking things at face value. I was less judgmental because I assumed there was goodness in everything and everyone, even if buried deeper in some, and the world held a lot of happiness for me. More than that I was content and going exactly where I wanted to end up. I've gotta say, I'd give anything to be back at that point right now. I think it's possible to get back there, but not without a lot of pain and effort, and I don't know if I have the strength or desire at the moment. All I can do is hope that once I graduate I'll have enough of the stress and anxiety off of my plate to try.

Been a while. I can't say I really regret it though, because there has been nothing of value to write. That's not to say that what I'm about to say is of any value, just that everything prior to now has been reeeeeaaaaally not of value. School is one of those things that when I find myself talking to people about it, I leave the conversation thinking, "why was I talking about that? They were bored, I was bored because I'm boring right now, and do I really have to spend all of my non-school moments talking about school when school mostly stresses me out all of the time?" Bleh. Very masochistic of me.

I'm writing now because I just got 3 cds in the mail, and I'm excited, and that excitement is being channeled here (I'm listening to the album "Recievers" by Parts and Labor at the Moment). And because I've kind of missed writing, generally. I got an email from my English advisor/professor Mark today. I ended up meeting with someone else to get my graduation application signed, but he still wants to get together this week and catch up/talk about my plans. I have no idea what my plans are anymore, but it would definitely be nice to talk about something literature and not science related. I might try for that on Friday after my exams.

So, I started my rotations recently...meaning I'm more than half-way through the first semester. I also remembered that I'm supposed to be keeping a daily journal of them for the class next semester that takes the place of my lab management class. It's the only class I have (that's not online) that is in any way a "class" format. We mostly sit and whisper loudly in the back, and mess around on our computers with im and youtube videos. It's solely attendance, and with work and my rotations on monday I totally missed it for the 4th or 5th time. This does not bode well for my grades. Anyway, I also haven't been journaling. This week has been pretty good (the first I haven't felt severe anxiety). I'm in Immunology, which is the section I work in, so I know and feel comfortable around all of the people, and am familiar with most of the tests. I'm rotating alone, so I finish things faster. They're starting me later in the day too at 9 (it's sad that I now think that's late), and I've gotten off at noon or earlier until today, due to a practical that had long incubation times, where I got off at 130 and spent the two 30 minute incubations going to lunch and surfing the internet. Some of that was studying, but my actual rotations are pretty chill when I'm not trying to write down the things being said with ridiculous all-catching speed. The time outside of "class" are more stressful because there's a lot to know, and I study better not camped out at the place I work. For instance, at this moment I'm writing this in between studying, AND eating a microwaved yam slathered in butter, salt and pepper. As an aside, I think I might have a slight allergy to pepper. My throat kind of itches when I eat it.

Apathetic Me.

I started looking into volunteer organizations today. I've felt strangely numb for a really long time now, and I figure this would be one way to force myself out of the confines of myself. It's strange. I don't feel sad, or angry...or anything more than moderately happy at times for that matter. I can be happy, but things that would have made me ecstatic in the past just bring a fleeting happiness that goes with amazing rapidity. Everything is incredibly toned down as far as my emotions go, so I guess I would describe my current state as resigned and apathetic. For the most part.

I went off my antidepressants awhile ago, and I have no intention of going back on them any time soon if ever. I kept getting the prescription gradually bumped up, over time, to the point where I'm convinced they helped me find this muted place I'm in now. I certainly was more depressed at the time I went off them, because I was in such a stunted state, and I hated it. And I can't say I am now. Depressed that is. I've simply found myself somewhere I don't want to be after a year of hell on earth via school and work, and the world as it was before no longer exists now. So I'm trying to cope with that, but it's not the same as depression at all really. It's just amazing how much people change, and situations change, in as little time as a year. I'm still getting used to everything being so different now that I suddenly have time to spare, when before I hadn't 2 seconds to myself to think. And of course I've lost the desire to plan or to attempt to move forward. I've been forcing myself to anyway, in certain regards, but I think it will be a while before I get somewhere worth being. I think I've reached a point where I can't really make myself care what others think. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but I can tell the last thing I need is to isolate myself more. I do care a little, but not enough to want to socialize much. Or at least to take the effort to socialize when it's not already presented to me. That's a totally different situation. But I haven't really been faced with that so much either, so the desire in me is even less.

Still getting used to the new house. The new ward (I've only been there once, so it's to be expected). To sort of being in school again. I'm torn between a slight annoyance that everyone else has started already and wanting to have started too so I can get it over with already, and being afraid to start because there's so much I've already forgotten and I'm still not over being burnt out from the last time. But I have way too much free time on me at the moment. I'm almost happy to be going back to work tomorrow. In fact, it's not even an almost. I guess I'm lucky I like my coworkers so much, though I know I'll be tired the second I get there, and I'll regret having missed it immediately. I didn't really accomplish much this last week. Or at least nothing large enough to have been tangibly explained. People will ask me what I did, and I'll have nothing to report. But half the time I do something worth telling lately, it's because I was forcing myself to do it in the first place, trying to get back to my former self. I think this is going to be a long road after all.

I hung out with my 15 year old nephew and sister a bit this weekend, played some rock band with them, somewhat planned a trip to New York taking place in October with all of my sisters and my mom, went to dinner with my London girls, and watched Casablanca Sunday with a few friends. I also read. And I bought some cds which will aid me in therapudically losing myself a little. And that was all I really cared to accomplish.