I've been wondering a lot lately about whether or not I'm some sort of weird bipolar. A kind without the mania, but that has many other mood alterations that occur within days to minutes. Mainly I just think I'm stressed and tired. No matter how much I like my surroundings, or aspects and people within my life, they all seem to evaporate at certain moments along with reasonable thought, only to be replaced with the sure conviction that I will never be finished with school. It's kind of become the bane on my existence. Because for as long as it lasts, I really can't devote any time to all of the aspects of my life that need working on. My typical day consists of school then either work or homework, followed by a very small amount of sleep. I don't think I'm the kind of person who can stand to do the same things day in and day out. I need some variation. Right now I'm home from school and doing homework because I have to be competent on doing cell differentials by tomorrow when I have a practical test on them. I did them for the first time in about 6 months today. All I have done today is school related stuff. I might burst any moment because there just isn't time for anything else. I think the true cause of the "bipolar" moments/days is that whenever I have a really good day/moment, I inevitably compare it to the current stressed out version of my life, to past happinesses, and then I have a hard time adjusting back to crappy.

Kind of a side note: went to Devotchka's concert last night with Heidi. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. Better than I thought. I officially love them right now more than I feel I can really express. It's been a while since I've been to a good concert, but I could never have guessed it would be that good just from listening to the cd of theirs I have. One of the most enjoyable I've ever been to. I guess I could go on to say why, but I don't really feel like it at the moment, and let's face it, I'd best get back to my homework. Also another side note: I actually kind of enjoy my rotations right now. I mean, I'm stressed because it's school, and 6 straight hours of looking at cells in microscopes would get to anyone, but other than that it's been a really positive experience. Maybe I need to focus and write about the positive things happening to keep all of the rest at bay. I think that will have to wait till another day though, because as I stated, I have to be competent at cell diffs by tomorrow. If I can get through tomorrow, life will be sweet for another 3, maybe 4 days. I get to watch movies with friends tomorrow night, hang out with my sisters Saturday, hang out with other friends Sunday or Monday, and I have the weekend to finish my packet full of questions/information that will help me study for my 3 exams next week. Here's to hoping my Mac will read the cd of Hematology they gave me today.

So I added a new song to my playlist which I remembered that I love. I do that sometimes...find myself listening to a song I decide I love, but then forget about, so then I don't get my hands on it and I forget that it exists entirely. But I remembered the other day when I was listening to another song that I decided I love, at work due to a Russian co-worker of mine being stuck in the 90's (what can I say, it brought me back to my middle school years--Run DMC's "It's Like That"). He says they're at least 10 years behind there. And actually, I didn't even remember this song then, just that there were a couple of songs I needed to remember. It took me a while to remember what song exactly. What I really remembered right away was that I heard it on my way to go vote...so yeah, it was quite a while ago. Anyway, it's Mason Jenning's "I love you and Buddha too." It reminded me of an Institute class I took a while back, and how my professor got so excited about all the different religions we learned about, because you definitely can find a lot of truth and excellent teachings in all of them. I guess I'm not really sure what I believe in lately, religious-wise, but I like to think there's a God out there, and if so the best thing we can do to reverence him is to be as accepting of people as He is of us.

Thinkings

Something a friend said to me last night is really bothering me. Like no matter how hard I try not to, I can't help but stew over it, and over-analyze its implications. I hate that I'm like that now. I mean, I've always carefully thought through most everything in my life, but about 5 years ago I briefly became a somewhat extroverted person, for about 3 years to varying degrees. Not to the point where I was entirely devoid of caution in my carefully constructed actions, but I spent a little less time thinking and more time acting on whims that made me happy and taking things at face value. I was less judgmental because I assumed there was goodness in everything and everyone, even if buried deeper in some, and the world held a lot of happiness for me. More than that I was content and going exactly where I wanted to end up. I've gotta say, I'd give anything to be back at that point right now. I think it's possible to get back there, but not without a lot of pain and effort, and I don't know if I have the strength or desire at the moment. All I can do is hope that once I graduate I'll have enough of the stress and anxiety off of my plate to try.

Been a while. I can't say I really regret it though, because there has been nothing of value to write. That's not to say that what I'm about to say is of any value, just that everything prior to now has been reeeeeaaaaally not of value. School is one of those things that when I find myself talking to people about it, I leave the conversation thinking, "why was I talking about that? They were bored, I was bored because I'm boring right now, and do I really have to spend all of my non-school moments talking about school when school mostly stresses me out all of the time?" Bleh. Very masochistic of me.

I'm writing now because I just got 3 cds in the mail, and I'm excited, and that excitement is being channeled here (I'm listening to the album "Recievers" by Parts and Labor at the Moment). And because I've kind of missed writing, generally. I got an email from my English advisor/professor Mark today. I ended up meeting with someone else to get my graduation application signed, but he still wants to get together this week and catch up/talk about my plans. I have no idea what my plans are anymore, but it would definitely be nice to talk about something literature and not science related. I might try for that on Friday after my exams.

So, I started my rotations recently...meaning I'm more than half-way through the first semester. I also remembered that I'm supposed to be keeping a daily journal of them for the class next semester that takes the place of my lab management class. It's the only class I have (that's not online) that is in any way a "class" format. We mostly sit and whisper loudly in the back, and mess around on our computers with im and youtube videos. It's solely attendance, and with work and my rotations on monday I totally missed it for the 4th or 5th time. This does not bode well for my grades. Anyway, I also haven't been journaling. This week has been pretty good (the first I haven't felt severe anxiety). I'm in Immunology, which is the section I work in, so I know and feel comfortable around all of the people, and am familiar with most of the tests. I'm rotating alone, so I finish things faster. They're starting me later in the day too at 9 (it's sad that I now think that's late), and I've gotten off at noon or earlier until today, due to a practical that had long incubation times, where I got off at 130 and spent the two 30 minute incubations going to lunch and surfing the internet. Some of that was studying, but my actual rotations are pretty chill when I'm not trying to write down the things being said with ridiculous all-catching speed. The time outside of "class" are more stressful because there's a lot to know, and I study better not camped out at the place I work. For instance, at this moment I'm writing this in between studying, AND eating a microwaved yam slathered in butter, salt and pepper. As an aside, I think I might have a slight allergy to pepper. My throat kind of itches when I eat it.

Apathetic Me.

I started looking into volunteer organizations today. I've felt strangely numb for a really long time now, and I figure this would be one way to force myself out of the confines of myself. It's strange. I don't feel sad, or angry...or anything more than moderately happy at times for that matter. I can be happy, but things that would have made me ecstatic in the past just bring a fleeting happiness that goes with amazing rapidity. Everything is incredibly toned down as far as my emotions go, so I guess I would describe my current state as resigned and apathetic. For the most part.

I went off my antidepressants awhile ago, and I have no intention of going back on them any time soon if ever. I kept getting the prescription gradually bumped up, over time, to the point where I'm convinced they helped me find this muted place I'm in now. I certainly was more depressed at the time I went off them, because I was in such a stunted state, and I hated it. And I can't say I am now. Depressed that is. I've simply found myself somewhere I don't want to be after a year of hell on earth via school and work, and the world as it was before no longer exists now. So I'm trying to cope with that, but it's not the same as depression at all really. It's just amazing how much people change, and situations change, in as little time as a year. I'm still getting used to everything being so different now that I suddenly have time to spare, when before I hadn't 2 seconds to myself to think. And of course I've lost the desire to plan or to attempt to move forward. I've been forcing myself to anyway, in certain regards, but I think it will be a while before I get somewhere worth being. I think I've reached a point where I can't really make myself care what others think. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but I can tell the last thing I need is to isolate myself more. I do care a little, but not enough to want to socialize much. Or at least to take the effort to socialize when it's not already presented to me. That's a totally different situation. But I haven't really been faced with that so much either, so the desire in me is even less.

Still getting used to the new house. The new ward (I've only been there once, so it's to be expected). To sort of being in school again. I'm torn between a slight annoyance that everyone else has started already and wanting to have started too so I can get it over with already, and being afraid to start because there's so much I've already forgotten and I'm still not over being burnt out from the last time. But I have way too much free time on me at the moment. I'm almost happy to be going back to work tomorrow. In fact, it's not even an almost. I guess I'm lucky I like my coworkers so much, though I know I'll be tired the second I get there, and I'll regret having missed it immediately. I didn't really accomplish much this last week. Or at least nothing large enough to have been tangibly explained. People will ask me what I did, and I'll have nothing to report. But half the time I do something worth telling lately, it's because I was forcing myself to do it in the first place, trying to get back to my former self. I think this is going to be a long road after all.

I hung out with my 15 year old nephew and sister a bit this weekend, played some rock band with them, somewhat planned a trip to New York taking place in October with all of my sisters and my mom, went to dinner with my London girls, and watched Casablanca Sunday with a few friends. I also read. And I bought some cds which will aid me in therapudically losing myself a little. And that was all I really cared to accomplish.

Happy Birthday Buddy

I just did something I found very strange.

Today I woke up late, hung out at my sister's a bit, moved my bed/futon to my new house with the help of my parent's, and spent some time at my high school's centennial bash.

The bed thing had to be done. As much as I love sleeping on mats on the floor, I really just needed it there so I could finish figuring the layout of my room, and move things around it accordingly.

The school thing did not need to be done, but I let myself get talked into it anyway. I don't think I've been in my old high school but twice since I graduated; once for Candlelight with my friend Leah the year after we graduated, partially because to go see our junior friends from track and PLT and bell choir...and partially because I love music during the holidays, and once two years after graduation when my friend Camille was the lead in Pirates of Penzance, and I had a few other friends in the same musical. So I walked around and saw all the changes that have been made, as well as all that hasn't changed, all the old stuff on display, ate cake, and saw part of a slideshow assembly type thing remembering all the greatness that is Bingham High School. Strange. I realized upon entering the school that I had forgotten how absolutely everything looked, but after seeing it I realized it's largely the same. The whole thing surprised me in regards to how fondly it made me remember high school, but I'm still happy it's over.

In other news, I've started biking to work on a pretty regular basis. Of course, with an off week every other week, and fall and winter coming on fast, I don't think I'll be able to get all that much experience or exercise out of it. I already feel healthier, but I'm pretty sure that's all in my head. I'm surprised how much I love biking to work, even with the occasional hills, but I hate hate HAAAATE riding home. Very creepy. At least the very last portion is. I never look forward to it.

That's all I've got.

Stuff

Haven't written in a while, so I suppose that should be remedied. A lot has happened since last I did of course, but I always forget the things before I can say anything about them. I actually came to the conclusion recently that I don't precisely have a bad memory, per say, at least in the sense where I don't remember things having happened (I actually usually remember events pretty vividly for the most part), but my sense of time is skewed in relation to them. I never remember when things happened; e.g. how long ago, on what day of the week, etc. You could say my depth perception in regards to memory is busted. Last week, last year...they're pretty much the same in my mind. When asked what I did on my off week, the answer will always be, "I'm not really sure." Yet minute things will remind me of the events that transpired, eventually, and boy...then try to get me to shut up. Of course, that's events. Facts and learned things are gone for good after so long without regular reviewing.

So, I'm still moving. That's about the extent of what's happening to me right now. I get the question of whether I have or not yet every few days it seems. Alas, I wish I had already, but I still have to deal with the whole process. My room is actually a mess, and I'll be moving the bulk of it tomorrow into one of my parents' trailers they cleaned out for the occasion. Think a horse trailer, only its never housed horses or any living things. These are the kinds of things my parents find and accumulate. I'm super glad work is over for the week, but I've had hairline stresses towards just about everything for a while now, with all that's happening, so I really haven't planned my off week like I should have. Technically this week should be Semi Fun Week, part Summer, but I just can't do it while I'm worried about moving, so I'll have to put it off another couple of weeks. It really shouldn't make a huge difference with my upcoming school schedule.

Speaking of which...my lab management class on Monday afternoons/nights is horribly boring. Think 1&1/2 to 2 hours of guest lecturers talking about how to be leaders in a lab setting, defining things like organization and referral power. I think it should be pretty painful, but it is surprisingly welcoming to suddenly see all the people I became so accustomed to seeing on a daily basis, but haven't in fact seen since school ended.

In other news, I'm going to spend my birthday this weekend with some people in Clark's cabin in Idaho. Something about a cabin in the middle of nowhere, along with people I've known since elementary school (thus being as comfortable around them as one can around other people), is very relaxing to think upon. I can be my annoying self and not worry as much about whether I'm driving people away or not. I mean, if they've put up with me for this long, what could I do to succeed at driving them away?

Ummm, let's see...I did check out some excellent concerts this last week, and they definitely warrant mentions. The Thursday before last was Clap Your Hands Say Yeah at the Gallivan Center, with Delta Spirit opening.
I hadn't heard of the latter, but they were quite excellent. Of course I already loved Clap Your Hands before then, and everyone loves a free concert. I was only disappointed they didn't bring t shirts for the buying. Heidi and I actually biked down and back, so that was a good experience in and of itself. One of these days I will succeed at a healthy lifestyle. Then there's always old dancing man, who is at every concert with his own choreographed moves, and who I enjoy watching about as much as anything.Wilco with Fleet Foxes at Red Butte Gardens was that following Monday, and man was that a amazing show. 1 beautiful garden amphitheater outdoors (duh), 2 great bands, 2 people I like going to/seeing shows with, and the ability to bring in anything you want in with you (which we didn't utilize, but it's nice to know we could have brought in a cooler of beer or whatever if we'd wanted to). It was much better than I was thinking it would be actually, and so I'm really glad I stumbled onto what I thought was a glitch in the Red Butte website--at the time--that resulted in me getting tickets at a reasonable price (meaning the original price charged before the show was sold out within seconds of having tickets for sale). It also felt like a really long show, which is a good thing when you like what you're hearing. This Thursday was Broken Social Scene at the Gallivan. Fan-freaking-tastic. I loooooove them so much. And they were free. I still can't believe they got them to come. Again, bikes were ridden to and from the show. It was slightly marred by the fact that I was less and less fond of the opening act more and more as their set progressed, and that the concert in and of itself felt really short. It wasn't of course, but when they were done I sooo wanted more. I could have listened to them all night; there were so many things I wanted to hear them play that it just wouldn't have been feasible for them to do so, in any given situation other than a daydream. It only could have been better if they had gotten Feist to come with them, thus enabling them to play many a song from the You Forget it in People album. So in short, it was excellent. I did also get a flat tire being stupid on my bike on the ride home. But I got it fixed before I rode down to the Farmer's Market this weekend, so no lasting harm was done. And I got a CO2 canister for any future mishaps.
So this really has no relevance on any level to anything, but a month or so ago I bought a large box of Foster Farms corn dogs, and they might be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. In the sense that I'm incapable of not eating them. I've always enjoyed them on occasion, usually while babysitting at my sisters' house, because it seems anyone with kids has them in their freezer. I used to think it was about the quality of the actual hot dog. It's not. It's all in the double dipped honey batter. For some reason I don't get sick of them, so I've devoured most of the whole box. Heaven help me if I ever buy them again.